On second thought...

[darkluna]

...perhaps I don't want a date after all. Perhaps I'll just continue to save myself for Kevin Whelan.

I give you: Son of Tales from the Online-Dating Trenches

Excerpts from actual profiles! And do let's bear in mind that these are all men well over 18, most of whom almost certainly speak English as their first and/or only language, and all of whom were presumably at the receiving end of some sort of mandatory education at some point.

hello im just writing to tell everyone that i am married an if you are still interested in me please pm me back i think that marriage has to be better than what im in i am looking for my soul mate just have to find out if u like my profile

Get this man some full stops! And a divorce lawyer. And a sense of shame.

well i travel alot live life to the fullest enjoy the day and forget about tommorrw

That's the "about you" portion in its entirety. However, the award for "terse, yet nonsensical" goes to this guy...

movies sports music sports

...who also thinks enough of REO Speedwagon that he mentions them specifically in his interests. O_O

I love to do music and proform. i like chilling out at home and sipping some wine. i kinda into everything

Except, clearly, Strunk & White.

I've been told that i'am different.

He persists in his belief that "I'am" is a real word for the rest of the profile, which also uses "unperdicable."

I Am A Really Outgoing Kinda Guy. I Love To Live Life To The Fullest Because You Never Know If You Will See Tomorrow.

Stop, thief! Return those capital letters to the other guys!

Oops. Further reading reveals who really made off with all the caps. What kind of woman is that charmer looking for? Let's see:

IM NOT TOO PICKY. JUST A GOOD WOMAN WHO DONT WEIGH A THOUSAND POUNDS.

That's all for today. Stay tuned for more... Tales! Of! Interest!

Comments

[bethynyc.livejournal.com]

::boggles::

Capslock guy is definitely *not* dating material. Actually, any of them. Why are the intelligent and articulate ones always taken?

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

It seriously blows my mind that these guys go on a site and put...that...for the first thing potential dates or partners will see.

I have found a few guys who can actually write in complete sentences with no egregious misspellings. One pops up maybe once every hundred profiles.

[straif.livejournal.com]

Not all intelligent and articulate men are taken. Some are gay. The rest are serial killers.

[zinnea.livejournal.com]

My late brother had excessively mediocre writing abilities. When he joined a dating service he had me proofread his ad repeatedly until it both a. was in his own word, and, b. was grammatically correct. Do these men not have anyone in their lives who can help them out? I refuse to believe that they don't know they're lousy writers as those aren't easy mistakes, those are the errors of someone who is severely language-impaired.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

I refuse to believe that they don't know they're lousy writers as those aren't easy mistakes, those are the errors of someone who is severely language-impaired.

I'm sure they know something is wrong with their profiles, except maybe the gratuitous-capitalization people, who probably think it's a great way to stand out. I think they're probably too lazy to bother getting it even close to right, think getting it close to right isn't important, or think the people who'll be reading these things either won't notice or won't care.

[lablemming.livejournal.com]

In defense of my sex, it must be remembered that for guys, asking for help is hard. Consider that a quarter of the men who get testicular cancer choose to let their genitals get consumed by malignant tumors because that is less painful than asking for help. The only thing more difficult than asking for help is introspection.

online dating

[tvnewseditor.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I encountered many similar problems with my online dating experiences in Seattle. I suspect you'll have it worse, though since the online community here tends to be slightly above the educational curve...okay, WAAAY above the educational curve you'll see in TN.

Try matchmaker.com. Their profile has an essay section that will really help you weed out the losers and illiterates.

Re: online dating

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

But matchmaker won't let you see if anyone good is there without joining. >:-(