Hang my head and count my steps as another car goes past

[darkluna]

I'm so tired of being unhappy, and I know my unhappiness is no more interesting to read about than live through. I'd like to resolve that if I have to live here, I should live here, not lock myself away for the next three or five or however many years. Not sit here hating everything.

But it's so hard. The worst part is that I did this to myself. I didn't have to move. Well, I had to move, but I didn't have to leave Seattle. I had my reasons, and they seemed like good, solid reasons at the time.

I do love being near my family again, and it has been wonderful to help take care of my nephew, and it is nice to be a homeowner.

But at the end of every day, I have to come back here and be alone, and realize that I left, by choice, the only place where I had ever really felt like I belonged. Sometimes I'm afraid that I've screwed things up so badly that I'll never be able to fix them. And I don't know what to do.

Patience has never been one of my virtues, and to sit here and wait is painful to me. But I have to. I have to wait until I can save up some money; I have to wait until my house appreciates in value enough that it's worthwhile to sell it. The unhappy impatient person finds solace in action, and I can't take action yet. I can't go home yet.

So that's why I'm lame and hostile and no fun. Sorry. I'm trying really hard to get better.

Comments

Seattle

[tvnewseditor.livejournal.com]

Seattle misses you, too, Ellie!

Re: Seattle

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Aww, you're sweet.

[lablemming.livejournal.com]

You poor thing. My only advice is the following:
Make a list of activities that you enjoy, and then find places nearby where you can persue them- even if you have to go to Atlanta or Knoxville to do so, and it is a once-a-fortnight sort of a thing.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

That's a fine idea - thank you!

[bookbabe1999.livejournal.com]

oh, hon. don't push yourself. one of the hardest things is when people tell you "i just want you to be happy," because it feels like so much pressure to make them AND you happy, when you know there is something that is making you unhappy, and you can't just get all perky to make them happy (yes, i have personal experience with this -- e-mail me sometime, and i can tell you what i've been going through...). so i want to give you many hugs and much love, since i can't send you my awesome therapist.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie.

one of the hardest things is when people tell you "i just want you to be happy," because it feels like so much pressure to make them AND you happy,

Yes; I get that from my mom all the time.

I actually considered finding someone to talk to about my culture shock and other issues, but have had no luck finding a non-Christian counseling place. Grr.

[poworgen5.livejournal.com]

Have you heard of a DVD called "The Secret"? Do what you can to get it.....and you will get back to Seattle soon....