Other assorted love songs

found amongst old files, and still too, too true

The "'Layla' issues" entry. The "I worship at the altar of unrequited love" entry. The reason why I cry, sometimes, at the meld of piano and sweet softly keening guitar at the end of the song. The reason why I think, sometimes, that I'm too broken to love someone real, love him for real, and for good.

"Do you ever get to know if there's someone you're meant to be with?" D said during a smoke break one day. "And do you know when you've found him?"

"Oh," I said. "I feel like I've been circling that question all my life."

My path around it, like a spiral, narrowing as I close in on the answer, but narrowing to infinity; I'll never know for sure.

Widen the focus. Why "'Layla' issues"?

Because, OK, it's like this, isn't it? At my age, at my remove from what really happened, it has always seemed mythical. Boy loves girl he can't have, and it pours out into this song, this alchemy of pain and longing and love. And it wins her.

If the story stopped there, it wouldn't make me cry.

But there's a postscript to the "happily ever after," and we know it didn't last.

And I, who have loved music all my life and have found my most shining happiness and deepest sorrow both expressed there, want real life to live up to that beauty.

I want the love the song stands for to have been real.

But I have to believe it wasn't.

Because if love can be real and end anyway, how is it worth believing in?

If the people who are meant to be together aren't, why seek and hope for the one person who is for you? You could find them and lose them. You could find them and never recognize them.

I want to believe that the world works the way it should. I want life to be fair, or at least have its reasons in the end. Maybe it does. But maybe it doesn't.

a real entry

Ugh. I don't trust the proofreader on this book, so I have to re-proof all the chapters. Good thing I realized it early, too, because he misses things like closing quotes being left out and subject-verb agreement.

Anya was helping me proof by standing in front of the monitor and making her click-squeak "I've found something I want to kill" noise.

I'm trying really hard to save enough money for a down payment on a house. I'm sure my neighborhood is pretty safe, but it doesn't always feel safe. There are often stupid fuckwads screaming at each other down the street. I leave them alone and they have no reason to notice or hate me, but still. My very own house with a security system would be awfully nice.

I had fun with my mommy! She loved Seattle and the kitties. We had to skip the Goodness show, though. There was no way I was going to a concert and then getting up at 4:30. And I lurve them, but I wasn't gonna die if I missed them this time. (Mommy's flight out was at about what my sister calls "the butt-crack of dawn," though obviously she never calls it that in front of our mom. :-D) She got to meet my evil twin and her puppies, and she decided the cat who came with my house was her project, and got most of the mats out of his fur. And we took him to the vet, where he terrorized the staff and required two people armed with a towel and heavy-duty gloves to give him his shots, while I cowered outside. And they said "We've seen worse." !!!!!

(EQ nerd alert) I have a strange urge to play a halfling druid, which is all the more odd because my main is a dark elf, and I *&^%$#@ hate those %^$#@(* halfing patrol guys who killed me many a time when I was a wee necromancer kid in Nektulous Forest. (OK, extreme nerdiness over.)