Hang my head and count my steps as another car goes past

I'm so tired of being unhappy, and I know my unhappiness is no more interesting to read about than live through. I'd like to resolve that if I have to live here, I should live here, not lock myself away for the next three or five or however many years. Not sit here hating everything.

But it's so hard. The worst part is that I did this to myself. I didn't have to move. Well, I had to move, but I didn't have to leave Seattle. I had my reasons, and they seemed like good, solid reasons at the time.

I do love being near my family again, and it has been wonderful to help take care of my nephew, and it is nice to be a homeowner.

But at the end of every day, I have to come back here and be alone, and realize that I left, by choice, the only place where I had ever really felt like I belonged. Sometimes I'm afraid that I've screwed things up so badly that I'll never be able to fix them. And I don't know what to do.

Patience has never been one of my virtues, and to sit here and wait is painful to me. But I have to. I have to wait until I can save up some money; I have to wait until my house appreciates in value enough that it's worthwhile to sell it. The unhappy impatient person finds solace in action, and I can't take action yet. I can't go home yet.

So that's why I'm lame and hostile and no fun. Sorry. I'm trying really hard to get better.