And I will never go back
May. 20th, 2003 07:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darklunaRight after I decided I was going to break up with the ex-turned-roommate, several of my friends heard me talk about other guys and said "I can't keep track of them!" I guess I did go through a kind of boycrazy-from-afar phase there, in that I saw a lot of romantic possibilities and wanted to act on them, but felt constrained by having just left the ex.
But I want to get out of the pattern of always being in a relationship. I don't want anyone new yet.
I started dating my future ex-husband when I was a freshman in college (and it's odd that I often forget that I was married, and feel surprised when something reminds me). I started seeing the current ex pretty much immediately upon moving out - in fact, our first date happened while I still lived with the hubby. I knew that was theoretically a bad idea, but I think I thought I could outsmart it...maybe I thought I was exercising enough caution by admitting that it was not awfully wise.
I don't know why I've hopped from one long-term relationship to another, with no space in between, for so long. When I was young and imagined what my life would be like, I was always alone. I was alone in an apartment high in a city, like my own castle tower, looking out on the lights; or I was alone in a little grey house by the ocean, with my cat and my writing notebook. How could I be afraid of being alone when it's what I always dreamed of? But up until now, I'm sure I was. I stayed married two years longer than I should have because I wasn't gutsy enough to just go.
When I was still married, I wrote in my morning pages that I felt I had once been on a path, and that I had taken a detour somehow, or gotten lost somehow, and was not the person I should have been, the person I would have been if I had stayed on the path. Now I feel that after a long time wandering, I've finally set my feet back on that path.
But I want to get out of the pattern of always being in a relationship. I don't want anyone new yet.
I started dating my future ex-husband when I was a freshman in college (and it's odd that I often forget that I was married, and feel surprised when something reminds me). I started seeing the current ex pretty much immediately upon moving out - in fact, our first date happened while I still lived with the hubby. I knew that was theoretically a bad idea, but I think I thought I could outsmart it...maybe I thought I was exercising enough caution by admitting that it was not awfully wise.
I don't know why I've hopped from one long-term relationship to another, with no space in between, for so long. When I was young and imagined what my life would be like, I was always alone. I was alone in an apartment high in a city, like my own castle tower, looking out on the lights; or I was alone in a little grey house by the ocean, with my cat and my writing notebook. How could I be afraid of being alone when it's what I always dreamed of? But up until now, I'm sure I was. I stayed married two years longer than I should have because I wasn't gutsy enough to just go.
When I was still married, I wrote in my morning pages that I felt I had once been on a path, and that I had taken a detour somehow, or gotten lost somehow, and was not the person I should have been, the person I would have been if I had stayed on the path. Now I feel that after a long time wandering, I've finally set my feet back on that path.
