(no subject)

I've decided that I want to do better than lie in my bed now that I've made it. I want to outfit it with 500-thread-count sheets and snuggle into it.

It would help if I could get a date, though. The last time I lived here I had more boys than I knew what to do with. Of course, the last time I lived here I had three qualities that really appeal to certain boys: I was seventeen, I was really hot, and I was very insecure.

On second thought...

...perhaps I don't want a date after all. Perhaps I'll just continue to save myself for Kevin Whelan.

I give you: Son of Tales from the Online-Dating Trenches

Excerpts from actual profiles! And do let's bear in mind that these are all men well over 18, most of whom almost certainly speak English as their first and/or only language, and all of whom were presumably at the receiving end of some sort of mandatory education at some point.

hello im just writing to tell everyone that i am married an if you are still interested in me please pm me back i think that marriage has to be better than what im in i am looking for my soul mate just have to find out if u like my profile

Get this man some full stops! And a divorce lawyer. And a sense of shame.

well i travel alot live life to the fullest enjoy the day and forget about tommorrw

That's the "about you" portion in its entirety. However, the award for "terse, yet nonsensical" goes to this guy...

movies sports music sports

...who also thinks enough of REO Speedwagon that he mentions them specifically in his interests. O_O

I love to do music and proform. i like chilling out at home and sipping some wine. i kinda into everything

Except, clearly, Strunk & White.

I've been told that i'am different.

He persists in his belief that "I'am" is a real word for the rest of the profile, which also uses "unperdicable."

I Am A Really Outgoing Kinda Guy. I Love To Live Life To The Fullest Because You Never Know If You Will See Tomorrow.

Stop, thief! Return those capital letters to the other guys!

Oops. Further reading reveals who really made off with all the caps. What kind of woman is that charmer looking for? Let's see:

IM NOT TOO PICKY. JUST A GOOD WOMAN WHO DONT WEIGH A THOUSAND POUNDS.

That's all for today. Stay tuned for more... Tales! Of! Interest!