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[darkluna]

My mom. Bless her heart.[1] I had to lay down the law yesterday.

Her inevitable signoff when she talks to me on the phone[2] is "Just be careful." Uh. Mom? I've been taking care of myself for half my life now, and I have not yet killed myself through sheer incompetence. If I can't make it through the night when the most challenging thing I have planned is walking up the stairs to my bedroom, I don't deserve to live.

I know this probably sounds like "Oh, wah, my mom is too concerned about my well-being, poor me." But, dude. Chick is IN. SANE. Do you know anyone else in her 30s who has to leave her mom a message when she gets home after a night out?

She doesn't make Little Sis do that. She says it's because Little Sis is married and someone would know if she weren't where she was supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some point at which you take it as a given that your child can navigate the world safely? I have a home alarm system, I'm smart, and I'm cynical and suspicious by nature. If something bad is going to happen to me, it's not going to be because I've just wandered into trouble. Nothing preventable and bad is going to happen to me.

So last night I told her she needed to lay off. Not in so many words, of course. If I'm mad, she gets mad too. I tried to make her understand that it makes me feel like she thinks I'm a bumbling idiot when she makes me check in every damn day.

She got pissy, of course, and did her passive-aggressive thing, and said "Well, I just won't call you anymore, then." And I'm sure the next time I need to talk to her, she'll be huffy. I wasn't trying to make her mad, but at least I got the desired result. *sigh* I'm a bit old to have to cut the apron strings, doncha think?

---

1. A southern-ism I find quite useful, as it's universally recognized as code for "That person is wrong in the head".

2. Which she has done at least once a day for the last several years. If she can't reach me, she loses her shit. I'm not kidding. Ask tvnewseditor what happens when she fails to get in touch with me for, like, 18 whole hours.

Comments

[angryhamster.livejournal.com]

i'm twenty five and if i don't call my mother daily, she freaks out. and if i went out for the night and didn't call her when i got home? defcon one, full panic stations. one time i went out and i said i didn't think i'd stay past twelve, and we ended up going to a wine bar, and it was downstairs so there was nearly no reception and we decided we were going to stay there for a while. at half one, i checked my phone and had something-teen (forget what) missed calls and about ten messages.

i hope you get a little space you require, though. i told mum to back off after that night, and she did-- for about a fortnight. after that, back to normal.

still, i guess it's nice to know they care?

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

I feel better knowing I'm not the only one! One time, the cats knocked the phone cord out of the wall and my mom couldn't reach me one evening. She called all my friends in town for whom she had phone numbers. Defcon one is about right. I think I was 27 at the time.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

My mom used to be like that, and you know, it's not "care" at that point. It's control. :|

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Well, I think it's more like I'm the outlet for her neuroses. How did you get your mom to get over it?

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't--there's nothing much I can do to change the way she acts. Three main things happened: We have half a continent between us; I started doing all the talking during phone calls (it overwhelms her and she doesn't bring up as much irritating stuff); and most importantly ... she got put on a certain kind of medication by her doctor (supposedly for some other condition). So short of frog-marching her to a psychiatrist... Before the medications happened, though, the most helpful thing was going to a therapist myself, since there was no way I could get her to. That kind of helped me get a better perspective on her behavior, and helped me feel more confident saying no (she doesn't have my cell phone number, for example, or any of my friends' numbers).

Sorry, I know that wasn't much help. :/

[angryhamster.livejournal.com]

once she called directory inquiries to find out my boyfriend's parents phone number because i wouldn't answer my cell phone. i was only eighteen at that time, but the night i was out with friends in the wine bar i was at least twenty-three, and if she'd had their numbers (or known their names!) she'd have called them too.

then again, i don't think i'm any better with her. if i try to call her, and can't reach her, i'm like OMG SHE'S LYING IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE. it pisses her off no end, but hey; serves her right~

[astizya-ii.livejournal.com]

Ah..., yeah, apron strings. And I'm 26, so I can totally feel your pain here. Personally, I've found the best thing for both me and my mother is to tell her as little as possible. Of course, sometimes it is smart to let someone know where you're going and all that, but having to check-in like that is a bit much. Or in other words, it's annoying/frustrating as hell. :)

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Personally, I've found the best thing for both me and my mother is to tell her as little as possible.

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that would be a good way to go. Also, pretending everything is just peachy, since that's what she's going to do anyway. I could tell her I was going to jump off a bridge, and she'd tell me to call when I got back. :)

[astizya-ii.livejournal.com]

It took me a while to get that lesson through my skull. My mother is, well, a control-freak, so why hand her any potential ammo, you know? Haha.

Lol, ugh. Your mother sounds like she has that selective hearing thing going on. :/

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Your mother sounds like she has that selective hearing thing going on.

Absolutely. It's weird - she worries all the time, but she hates to deal with actual negative feelings. So she just acts like we don't mean it if we express any. Which is guess is another flavor of control freak.

[astizya-ii.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess it is.

...We should start a support club or some shit. >D

[zinnea.livejournal.com]

Your mom called ME once. I tried to be both polite and firm, but, um, I think you already know that I think it's an unhealthy situation. The one time my mom tried to pull this stunt on me a couple months ago (and to her credit, it was a one-time thing, she doesn't call me every night) I simply put my foot down and informed her that this is in no way, shape or form acceptable and I will not tolerate it.

You're going to have a much harder row to hoe (see, I have Southernisms, too) because you have tolerated it for so long but it is possible to make some progress with your mom. First off, you need to find a time when you can both talk without interruption and you need to make sure it is a time when you are feeling calm and confident about yourself. Do not give into the temptation to argue, you need to go in knowing what you will and will not tolerate and do not budge from that. (Normally, of course, you're going to want to be flexible so you can negotiate an arrangement that can work for both of you but there are times when inflexibility is called for and this really is one of them.) Do not pussyfoot around the issue, be polite but be direct: "Mom, I appreciate your concern, but this is frustrating for me. It makes me feel like you don't respect me when you treat me as if I'm helpless." And so on. Calling your friends is not productive, it does nothing more than anger and/or needlessly worry your friends.

Your mom will try to tell you that she does this sort of thing because she cares, but that's not the real reason. I mean, sure, of course she cares about you, but what drives this sort of behavior isn't love and respect, it's insecurity, anxiety, and a need to control. You can probably spare her the psychological analysis but you can let her know that the way for her to show you that she cares is to trust that you are able to fend for yourself.

Good luck.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

I know it's unhealthy. She snuck up on me, though. When I was married, she was pretty normal about it, even though I lived far away. She started to get psycho when I started living alone. And even then it was in stages.

I was mortified when she called you guys. I know my friends understand that she's nuts, but it was still awful for other people to know she thinks I'll, I don't know, lose my head entirely and run off if not closely supervised, or whatever the hell she thinks will happen. (Of course, I have my own share of passive-aggressiveness, so knowing she thinks this sometimes makes me want to run off.)

You can probably spare her the psychological analysis but you can let her know that the way for her to show you that she cares is to trust that you are able to fend for yourself.

Thanks for the as-always-excellent advice. You are totally right.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry to hear that. I think we do need a support group around here.

I can relate

[tvnewseditor.livejournal.com]

My mother is similar.

Last weekend, I was quite busy and didn't call my parents. It's not unusual for me to not call them on the weekend...I tend to call them at least 4 times during the week.

Well on monday my mom called and elft a message because she was "checking in." then she called me at work sevreal hours later and exclaimed, "Well you ARE alive!" Then she chastised me not only for not calling her over the weekend, but for not returning her call on Monday. she suggested that I should have taken advantage of my 5 minute drive to work to let her know I had gotten her message and was ok.

And don't even get me started on the time she got upset with me for not personally notifying her that I had bruised my knee several days earlier when I tripped and spilled my dinner (I had made a humorous posting about it on our family website and my dad read it and told her about it).

Re: I can relate

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

You know my mom, you understand. :-) It's probably too late for me to convince her I'm boring (just as I doubt you could convince your mom you are! :-)), but I wish I could. Little Mrs. Settled-Down Sister gets a lot less hands-on parenting.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

My step-mother pulled that kind of stuff with my step-sister up until she was in her mid-to-late twenties. If I were you, I think I'd stop answering most of her phone calls. Caller ID is good. Answer as often as you consider it reasonable to talk to her. If she loses her shit over not talking to you, let it be her problem, not yours. Make sure your friends know that they're not to tolerate her calling them when she wants to find you too. She needs to learn that you are in control of your life, not her. Taking the right steps to teach her that might be painful in the short run, but it should help in the long run. My mother's ways of making my life miserable take a different form, but I have found that not talking to her at all for weeks at a time after her behavior has been intolerable does wonders for making her treat me better.