Fic commentary
May. 6th, 2008 03:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darklunaHow to Shoot Somebody Who Outdrew You
The DVD commentary! With "unrated" deleted scenes
This story took for. ev. errrr. I started it about 5 months before I finally posted it. I didn't work on it that whole time, but it was still a really slow one. Writing about the process was interesting for me, and showed me that I've changed a lot as a writer just in the last few months. I hope it's at least mildly interesting to other people.
"Theatrical release" here
The story originally started with a little disconnected paragraph that was kind of cool and dirty, but ended up not really fitting, so I eventually bit the bullet, killed the darling, and took it out. It went like this:
It wasn't like he liked Near or anything, but he liked to make him come, liked to watch his face as his token resistance crumbled. His eyes would always go wide at the first touch of the leather glove on his cock, and he'd always bite his lower lip to keep quiet, but by the end the words poured out of him like water from a broken dam, "God, Mello, just like that, please..." And it was better than chocolate, better than almost anything, and Mello couldn't get enough.
Yeah. Dirty. I showed a draft to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
theohara when that part was still in, and I was like, "You know what you're in for right away!" This was actually the first thing I wrote for this story (17 November last year, oy).
But this kid, he looked at them all as if nothing had ever impressed him, and nothing ever would.
Yep, Mello's projecting of his own insecurities onto Near begins right away.
Mello turned to Matt and rolled his eyes. The redhead shrugged, but that was Matt for you, always willing to reserve judgment, even on someone who was obviously a superior little git.
"Why?" Matt had asked him once. "What's so awful about him?"
Matt was allowed to question him, mostly because he really was just curious.
I try to at least acknowledge the third when I pair any two of these boys up. I feel like Matt got left out of this one more than I would've liked. There used to be another bit with him that you'll see later. And yes, I shamelessly use Matt's fanon hair. Redheaded smokers rule! *g*
"Well," Mello had said, "he just gets on my nerves."
I think this is dodging the question because he doesn't want to admit how much the stuff the next bit talks about gets to him.
Mello had worked his ass off, had sometimes shocked himself with how little sleep he needed, how many meals he could skip, how much information he could cram into his brain.
And for what? Always, always, always second. To someone younger, to someone who didn't even seem to try. Stupid fucking brilliant damn Near.
The problem was that Near would act like he didn't care about anything Mello did to him. He never got angry, never went to an adult. He'd let things go for a while, then come up with a retaliation that was coolly planned out and fucking elegant.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all. One thing I was trying to do here was show that they know each other well enough to get under each other's skin really well. And that they put effort into it. The thing I love about the origami is what a massive investment of time it must've been, even for someone as fast at it as I assume Near must be. And I'm positive he made every one different. 'cause he has style that way. :-D
Mello swore, out loud and often, that the little freak provoked him on purpose.
I almost used that line as the fic summary.
Near was almost enough of a bastard to be interesting, Mello thought sometimes, but quickly banished that idea, making a mental note to possibly burn it out of his brain if he could find the offending synapses.
Heh. I think in some ways Near may be the most pitiless of them all. If he didn't have that little streak of snark, that little bit of ruthlessness that makes me think that he could (and would) disappear people if he had to, he wouldn’t be as interesting.
It didn't matter that most of the other kids were on his side and itching to join in the feud. Mello didn't want troops. He wanted to win, and he wasn't about to cheat to do it.
A recurring theme in my headcanon about Mello and Near's rivalry.
"I don't know any other way to be." A little shift of his head, and Mello couldn't see his eyes, but he could feel them, sharp and grey, like a scalpel Near would use to dissect him.
That last part may be a darling that needed to be killed, but I like it.
Fights broke out more often, and Mello heard the kid two doors down—Royce, or something—crying at night more often. Every damn night, in fact, until Sascha moved herself into his room so he wouldn't be alone.
I have a mental list of generic names after L, M, and N, and I tend to reuse them from story to story. They go: Ophie, Pieter, Quentin, Royce, Sascha, Tal. For some reason, Q and S are almost always a couple.
"Mello, please don't assign meanings I don't intend to what I say."
Oh, Near tries so hard, but there's too much in the way.
Near obeyed, and Mello told himself he couldn't possibly have looked hurt.
Camilla once said "Poor Near. He never wanted to win alone," and I think that's so true.
Embarrassing confession time: because I write in pieces, and the timeline invariably fucks me up, the original configuration of this story had naughtiness happening when Near was WAY too young. Yikes. But god bless the timeskip.
He'd never admit it, but for a while there, it was fucking horrible. He didn't mind fighting tooth and nail for every inch of grudging-at-first respect, but it was awfully exhausting doing it every damn second for years.
Around about here was the little bit of bonus Matt. That looks like this:
Then Matt found him, and Mello felt like an asshole for taking what he offered, no matter how freely he offered it, but it felt so good to let things be easy, even if it was only for a few stolen hours here and there. When Matt said no strings, he meant it, and though Mello suspected he had given his heart as readily as he gave his body, Matt wasn't half bad at not admitting things himself. Or else he was frighteningly good at judging just how much Mello would let him give.
And it was a shame to take it out, but it wasn't adding anything.
Only when he was half-asleep did he ever remember the feel of unexpectedly warm skin and fragile bones beneath his hands.
Another recurring theme, and one of my bulletproof kinks: getting dragged kicking and screaming into admitting you want someone.
Near gave the little sigh that was his version of out-and-out exasperation. "Expectations are limiting." He wouldn't meet Mello's eyes; he picked at a loose thread on one of the buttons on his sleeve.
It's fun to write Near when he's pissed off.
"Sometimes I wonder." He stepped closer, mostly to make Near look up at him, and to see his eyes widen at the invasion of his personal space. "Why do you have to be like this?"
A case of the beta's unsung awesomeness here. (Anez pulled off another in "one hasn't...", by the way.) Norrell pointed out that the question was a little unclear the first time Mello asked something like it. I don't remember the wording, but she was right. I changed it so he asks the same thing twice, and I like the way it suggests that that's the one thing he needs to understand the most about Near.
Near sighed. "Why do you always ask a question for which there is no satisfactory answer? I could just as well ask why you're the way you are."
Mello felt his hands clenching into fists, and forced himself to try to relax, to at least put on a show of calm. "Doesn't it—"
I don't remember for sure what he was going to say. I think he cut himself off because it would have been something too revealing, like, "Doesn't it drive you nuts that we're stuck in this pattern?"
Near didn't even blink. "You hate me so much you can't leave me alone?"
Well, YEAH.
He brought Near's hand to his mouth and scraped his teeth over his palm. "You're right. I can't. But you." He raised his head. "Don't try to pretend you're an innocent bystander."
Norrell liked the "non-traditional touching," I think she said? Which amused me, 'cause it was just a random thing.
"Hush," Mello said, rather more gently than he meant to. "Y'know," he said, and that was better, much more offhand. "You wear these stupid shirts that cover you up," he said, popping the first button open. "But all it does..." He leaned close enough to brush his mouth over Near's collarbone. "...is make me want to taste right here." He licked at the hollow at the base of his neck, and Near gasped softly.
I'm not obsessed with Near's collarbone or anything. Halle's thoughts in "Snow" to the contrary notwithstanding. *g*
Near's hair smelled like pear shampoo. Mello almost hadn't expected him to smell like anything at all.
As a random side note, the boy I called Pretty But Useless used pear-scented shampoo. As you may surmise from his title, I didn't even care that much about him, but, five years later, that scent still makes me think of him. So I picked it as a particularly evocative one.
"Show me how you touch yourself," Mello said.
OK, I'm obviously bent and all, but I thought this part was hot. :D And I thought it was very Mello, seeing how far he could push Near without REALLY doing anything himself. My headcanon about Mello has always been that his biggest turn-on is driving the person he's with crazy.
There was this whole other smutty scene with light bondage and stuff. Don't worry, I shan't deprive you of it. I think it can stand alone with some reworking. There was also this whole other scene while the naughty stuff still happened at the House, but it never quite came together. Here's a bit of how it went:
"Why do you do this?" Near said. It didn't sound like a challenge, but it was still weird.
"What?"
"I know you heard me. I want to understand you, too."
"Who said I—" He stopped. There wasn't much point in denying it. "Don't you like it?"
"Yes, but—"
"Well, so do I."
"You never let me touch you."
"That's not how this works."
"I want to."
Mello stared at him. He'd never really thought about what Near wanted. He hadn't thought about him wanting anything at all.
He must've been silent long enough that Near took it as permission, because he stepped closer to Mello, looking almost... nervous? Mello decided this was novel enough that he wanted to see what happened, and he tried to make his face totally blank.
Near kissed him softly, but curled his hands around Mello's upper arms. Is he... shaking? Mello wondered. Is he holding on this tightly so he won't lose control?
So I debated the tense shift. I wanted to make this part more immediate. I think it works better with the weird, jangling, not-knowing-what-he-wants mood Mello's in.
He tears the picture to shreds, and lights the pieces on fire.
It's the only smart thing to do with it, and he can't stand to look at the fucking thing, at the boy he'd been, at the words on the back. Can't stand, either, to think of Near remembering to retrieve it from the House and carrying it with him all this time, knowing Mello would come looking for it. It's hideously presumptuous. It breaks the rules.
I had some more about what Mello thought the rules actually were, and how he expected Near to follow them even though he'd never been told what they were, but it was kind of dumb.
He wishes he could want to shoot him, but knows he let the moment pass him by. He wishes he could exorcise him, drag their lives apart. But a part of him has always been afraid that what he'd be left with wouldn't feel like enough.
I never got that last line exactly how I wanted it. I'm still not sure he'd admit it even to himself. But it expressed the feeling I wanted the best way I could find: how intertwined their lives are, and how Mello pushes himself as hard as he does because there's someone to beat. Not that I don't think he's driven intrinsically... more that if it's personal, it means more to him.
I don't know. Nothing. Everything. I want to hit Kira until his face is bloody meat. I want the world the way it was. I want to hurt you. I want to touch you. I want something to break so I can stop feeling this way.
I really like this part.
Near gets to his feet, and crosses the room to stand in front of him. Mello stares. Of course he knew Near could walk, but he can't remember him ever actually approaching him.
A little nod to canon. I often just ignore that we only see Near actually standing up, like, three times.
"I mean," Mello whispers, and heat sparks all through him before he's even asked. "Yeah, you have to hold me down."
I wrote this part really early on. I thought about making it the summary too.
Something flickers in Near's eyes that looks too much like the ache in Mello's throat feels, and he catches both his wrists in one hand and holds them up as much as he can, just over his head, like Mello did to him. With the other hand he pulls down the vest's zipper and just kind of shoves everything out of the way, leather and chains and beads and all, and drags his fingernails, sharper than they were, down Mello's chest and stomach. His mouth lingers on Mello's neck as he works at the lacings of the pants, touches too light to be called kisses, tracing a line of heat up to his earlobe. "Beautiful," he whispers, barely louder than his breath. "Always."
The end of this paragraph was one of the last parts I wrote, and I ended up really glad I included it. I don't explicitly mention that Mello got his scar between the last meeting and this one, but I hope people understood.
"OK," Near says, and his voice is gentle, but his hands aren't, one still pressing Mello's wrists hard into the wall, like he really does get that this is how he needs it, the other moving fast and rough. Mello sags against the wall and just gives himself up to it. The information about the rules was a payment, but this... this is a gift.
"I hate you," he manages to say.
I wasn't quite sure about the last line of that longer paragraph either, but I think the next tempers it so that it's OK. This was another part where I tried to show that there's a lot of unacknowledged understanding between them.
He can hear the smile. "I hate you... so much... ah, fuck, Near." He can't look at him too long; it's too much. Near's crazy smoky eyes pinning him more surely than his hand, the mask of indifference fallen away; the lines of his face seem sharper, purer. Mello lets out a shuddery gasping breath as he comes, and just for this one instant, it almost doesn't matter who's winning.
He leans forward, still breathing hard, and Near lets go of his wrists and winds a hand into his hair, gently now. He might sneak a kiss at the corner of Mello's mouth, but it doesn't seem worth objecting to.
"I know you're leaving," Near says.
I have to. "Yeah."
"It's all right." He steps back.
Mello does up the laces again, touches the rosary reflexively. "Quit that."
There might be a crack in the calm Near put back on so easily; there might be regret beneath the mask. Mello shakes his head, zips up the vest, and starts toward the door.
And this piece is the last thing I wrote, the same day I wrote the bit I called out above. They were the last little connecting-up pieces. Yes, I had the end end before this. And yes, I write smutty scenes in all kinds of tiny fragments.
"Mello?"
He looks back.
"When this is over..."
"Didn't I say I'd wait for you at the finish line?"
"Oh," Near says, and smiles, possibly the first real smile Mello's ever seen from him, and that gave away way too much, but the rules have all changed, and maybe that's not so horrible. Maybe, when they win, Mello will come back, and see what the new world feels like.
OK, so this was originally going to have actual sex in it. But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the parallel scenes and the turning of the tables. And Norrell agreed with me, so I figured I was onto something. Besides, on a goofy and practical level, I could not for the life of me get them lube realistically. Near wouldn't HAVE any, and Mello wouldn’t have BROUGHT any. I thought about going without; Near would obviously be on top, which might have made it easier given that Mello's the one who's done it before... But then I thought that even given Mello's weird amped-up achy mood in the last scene, he probably still wouldn't have allowed it. So I ended up glad I left it like this.
I tried to make the ending seem hopeful, even though we know this is the last time they'll see each other. I wanted to give a little hint that if they had both made it, Mello was willing to try to see if there could be anything real between them. (I think Near was willing to try all along.)
The DVD commentary! With "unrated" deleted scenes
This story took for. ev. errrr. I started it about 5 months before I finally posted it. I didn't work on it that whole time, but it was still a really slow one. Writing about the process was interesting for me, and showed me that I've changed a lot as a writer just in the last few months. I hope it's at least mildly interesting to other people.
"Theatrical release" here
The story originally started with a little disconnected paragraph that was kind of cool and dirty, but ended up not really fitting, so I eventually bit the bullet, killed the darling, and took it out. It went like this:
It wasn't like he liked Near or anything, but he liked to make him come, liked to watch his face as his token resistance crumbled. His eyes would always go wide at the first touch of the leather glove on his cock, and he'd always bite his lower lip to keep quiet, but by the end the words poured out of him like water from a broken dam, "God, Mello, just like that, please..." And it was better than chocolate, better than almost anything, and Mello couldn't get enough.
Yeah. Dirty. I showed a draft to
theohara when that part was still in, and I was like, "You know what you're in for right away!" This was actually the first thing I wrote for this story (17 November last year, oy).But this kid, he looked at them all as if nothing had ever impressed him, and nothing ever would.
Yep, Mello's projecting of his own insecurities onto Near begins right away.
Mello turned to Matt and rolled his eyes. The redhead shrugged, but that was Matt for you, always willing to reserve judgment, even on someone who was obviously a superior little git.
"Why?" Matt had asked him once. "What's so awful about him?"
Matt was allowed to question him, mostly because he really was just curious.
I try to at least acknowledge the third when I pair any two of these boys up. I feel like Matt got left out of this one more than I would've liked. There used to be another bit with him that you'll see later. And yes, I shamelessly use Matt's fanon hair. Redheaded smokers rule! *g*
"Well," Mello had said, "he just gets on my nerves."
I think this is dodging the question because he doesn't want to admit how much the stuff the next bit talks about gets to him.
Mello had worked his ass off, had sometimes shocked himself with how little sleep he needed, how many meals he could skip, how much information he could cram into his brain.
And for what? Always, always, always second. To someone younger, to someone who didn't even seem to try. Stupid fucking brilliant damn Near.
The problem was that Near would act like he didn't care about anything Mello did to him. He never got angry, never went to an adult. He'd let things go for a while, then come up with a retaliation that was coolly planned out and fucking elegant.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all. One thing I was trying to do here was show that they know each other well enough to get under each other's skin really well. And that they put effort into it. The thing I love about the origami is what a massive investment of time it must've been, even for someone as fast at it as I assume Near must be. And I'm positive he made every one different. 'cause he has style that way. :-D
Mello swore, out loud and often, that the little freak provoked him on purpose.
I almost used that line as the fic summary.
Near was almost enough of a bastard to be interesting, Mello thought sometimes, but quickly banished that idea, making a mental note to possibly burn it out of his brain if he could find the offending synapses.
Heh. I think in some ways Near may be the most pitiless of them all. If he didn't have that little streak of snark, that little bit of ruthlessness that makes me think that he could (and would) disappear people if he had to, he wouldn’t be as interesting.
It didn't matter that most of the other kids were on his side and itching to join in the feud. Mello didn't want troops. He wanted to win, and he wasn't about to cheat to do it.
A recurring theme in my headcanon about Mello and Near's rivalry.
"I don't know any other way to be." A little shift of his head, and Mello couldn't see his eyes, but he could feel them, sharp and grey, like a scalpel Near would use to dissect him.
That last part may be a darling that needed to be killed, but I like it.
Fights broke out more often, and Mello heard the kid two doors down—Royce, or something—crying at night more often. Every damn night, in fact, until Sascha moved herself into his room so he wouldn't be alone.
I have a mental list of generic names after L, M, and N, and I tend to reuse them from story to story. They go: Ophie, Pieter, Quentin, Royce, Sascha, Tal. For some reason, Q and S are almost always a couple.
"Mello, please don't assign meanings I don't intend to what I say."
Oh, Near tries so hard, but there's too much in the way.
Near obeyed, and Mello told himself he couldn't possibly have looked hurt.
Camilla once said "Poor Near. He never wanted to win alone," and I think that's so true.
Embarrassing confession time: because I write in pieces, and the timeline invariably fucks me up, the original configuration of this story had naughtiness happening when Near was WAY too young. Yikes. But god bless the timeskip.
He'd never admit it, but for a while there, it was fucking horrible. He didn't mind fighting tooth and nail for every inch of grudging-at-first respect, but it was awfully exhausting doing it every damn second for years.
Around about here was the little bit of bonus Matt. That looks like this:
Then Matt found him, and Mello felt like an asshole for taking what he offered, no matter how freely he offered it, but it felt so good to let things be easy, even if it was only for a few stolen hours here and there. When Matt said no strings, he meant it, and though Mello suspected he had given his heart as readily as he gave his body, Matt wasn't half bad at not admitting things himself. Or else he was frighteningly good at judging just how much Mello would let him give.
And it was a shame to take it out, but it wasn't adding anything.
Only when he was half-asleep did he ever remember the feel of unexpectedly warm skin and fragile bones beneath his hands.
Another recurring theme, and one of my bulletproof kinks: getting dragged kicking and screaming into admitting you want someone.
Near gave the little sigh that was his version of out-and-out exasperation. "Expectations are limiting." He wouldn't meet Mello's eyes; he picked at a loose thread on one of the buttons on his sleeve.
It's fun to write Near when he's pissed off.
"Sometimes I wonder." He stepped closer, mostly to make Near look up at him, and to see his eyes widen at the invasion of his personal space. "Why do you have to be like this?"
A case of the beta's unsung awesomeness here. (Anez pulled off another in "one hasn't...", by the way.) Norrell pointed out that the question was a little unclear the first time Mello asked something like it. I don't remember the wording, but she was right. I changed it so he asks the same thing twice, and I like the way it suggests that that's the one thing he needs to understand the most about Near.
Near sighed. "Why do you always ask a question for which there is no satisfactory answer? I could just as well ask why you're the way you are."
Mello felt his hands clenching into fists, and forced himself to try to relax, to at least put on a show of calm. "Doesn't it—"
I don't remember for sure what he was going to say. I think he cut himself off because it would have been something too revealing, like, "Doesn't it drive you nuts that we're stuck in this pattern?"
Near didn't even blink. "You hate me so much you can't leave me alone?"
Well, YEAH.
He brought Near's hand to his mouth and scraped his teeth over his palm. "You're right. I can't. But you." He raised his head. "Don't try to pretend you're an innocent bystander."
Norrell liked the "non-traditional touching," I think she said? Which amused me, 'cause it was just a random thing.
"Hush," Mello said, rather more gently than he meant to. "Y'know," he said, and that was better, much more offhand. "You wear these stupid shirts that cover you up," he said, popping the first button open. "But all it does..." He leaned close enough to brush his mouth over Near's collarbone. "...is make me want to taste right here." He licked at the hollow at the base of his neck, and Near gasped softly.
I'm not obsessed with Near's collarbone or anything. Halle's thoughts in "Snow" to the contrary notwithstanding. *g*
Near's hair smelled like pear shampoo. Mello almost hadn't expected him to smell like anything at all.
As a random side note, the boy I called Pretty But Useless used pear-scented shampoo. As you may surmise from his title, I didn't even care that much about him, but, five years later, that scent still makes me think of him. So I picked it as a particularly evocative one.
"Show me how you touch yourself," Mello said.
OK, I'm obviously bent and all, but I thought this part was hot. :D And I thought it was very Mello, seeing how far he could push Near without REALLY doing anything himself. My headcanon about Mello has always been that his biggest turn-on is driving the person he's with crazy.
There was this whole other smutty scene with light bondage and stuff. Don't worry, I shan't deprive you of it. I think it can stand alone with some reworking. There was also this whole other scene while the naughty stuff still happened at the House, but it never quite came together. Here's a bit of how it went:
"Why do you do this?" Near said. It didn't sound like a challenge, but it was still weird.
"What?"
"I know you heard me. I want to understand you, too."
"Who said I—" He stopped. There wasn't much point in denying it. "Don't you like it?"
"Yes, but—"
"Well, so do I."
"You never let me touch you."
"That's not how this works."
"I want to."
Mello stared at him. He'd never really thought about what Near wanted. He hadn't thought about him wanting anything at all.
He must've been silent long enough that Near took it as permission, because he stepped closer to Mello, looking almost... nervous? Mello decided this was novel enough that he wanted to see what happened, and he tried to make his face totally blank.
Near kissed him softly, but curled his hands around Mello's upper arms. Is he... shaking? Mello wondered. Is he holding on this tightly so he won't lose control?
So I debated the tense shift. I wanted to make this part more immediate. I think it works better with the weird, jangling, not-knowing-what-he-wants mood Mello's in.
He tears the picture to shreds, and lights the pieces on fire.
It's the only smart thing to do with it, and he can't stand to look at the fucking thing, at the boy he'd been, at the words on the back. Can't stand, either, to think of Near remembering to retrieve it from the House and carrying it with him all this time, knowing Mello would come looking for it. It's hideously presumptuous. It breaks the rules.
I had some more about what Mello thought the rules actually were, and how he expected Near to follow them even though he'd never been told what they were, but it was kind of dumb.
He wishes he could want to shoot him, but knows he let the moment pass him by. He wishes he could exorcise him, drag their lives apart. But a part of him has always been afraid that what he'd be left with wouldn't feel like enough.
I never got that last line exactly how I wanted it. I'm still not sure he'd admit it even to himself. But it expressed the feeling I wanted the best way I could find: how intertwined their lives are, and how Mello pushes himself as hard as he does because there's someone to beat. Not that I don't think he's driven intrinsically... more that if it's personal, it means more to him.
I don't know. Nothing. Everything. I want to hit Kira until his face is bloody meat. I want the world the way it was. I want to hurt you. I want to touch you. I want something to break so I can stop feeling this way.
I really like this part.
Near gets to his feet, and crosses the room to stand in front of him. Mello stares. Of course he knew Near could walk, but he can't remember him ever actually approaching him.
A little nod to canon. I often just ignore that we only see Near actually standing up, like, three times.
"I mean," Mello whispers, and heat sparks all through him before he's even asked. "Yeah, you have to hold me down."
I wrote this part really early on. I thought about making it the summary too.
Something flickers in Near's eyes that looks too much like the ache in Mello's throat feels, and he catches both his wrists in one hand and holds them up as much as he can, just over his head, like Mello did to him. With the other hand he pulls down the vest's zipper and just kind of shoves everything out of the way, leather and chains and beads and all, and drags his fingernails, sharper than they were, down Mello's chest and stomach. His mouth lingers on Mello's neck as he works at the lacings of the pants, touches too light to be called kisses, tracing a line of heat up to his earlobe. "Beautiful," he whispers, barely louder than his breath. "Always."
The end of this paragraph was one of the last parts I wrote, and I ended up really glad I included it. I don't explicitly mention that Mello got his scar between the last meeting and this one, but I hope people understood.
"OK," Near says, and his voice is gentle, but his hands aren't, one still pressing Mello's wrists hard into the wall, like he really does get that this is how he needs it, the other moving fast and rough. Mello sags against the wall and just gives himself up to it. The information about the rules was a payment, but this... this is a gift.
"I hate you," he manages to say.
I wasn't quite sure about the last line of that longer paragraph either, but I think the next tempers it so that it's OK. This was another part where I tried to show that there's a lot of unacknowledged understanding between them.
He can hear the smile. "I hate you... so much... ah, fuck, Near." He can't look at him too long; it's too much. Near's crazy smoky eyes pinning him more surely than his hand, the mask of indifference fallen away; the lines of his face seem sharper, purer. Mello lets out a shuddery gasping breath as he comes, and just for this one instant, it almost doesn't matter who's winning.
He leans forward, still breathing hard, and Near lets go of his wrists and winds a hand into his hair, gently now. He might sneak a kiss at the corner of Mello's mouth, but it doesn't seem worth objecting to.
"I know you're leaving," Near says.
I have to. "Yeah."
"It's all right." He steps back.
Mello does up the laces again, touches the rosary reflexively. "Quit that."
There might be a crack in the calm Near put back on so easily; there might be regret beneath the mask. Mello shakes his head, zips up the vest, and starts toward the door.
And this piece is the last thing I wrote, the same day I wrote the bit I called out above. They were the last little connecting-up pieces. Yes, I had the end end before this. And yes, I write smutty scenes in all kinds of tiny fragments.
"Mello?"
He looks back.
"When this is over..."
"Didn't I say I'd wait for you at the finish line?"
"Oh," Near says, and smiles, possibly the first real smile Mello's ever seen from him, and that gave away way too much, but the rules have all changed, and maybe that's not so horrible. Maybe, when they win, Mello will come back, and see what the new world feels like.
OK, so this was originally going to have actual sex in it. But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the parallel scenes and the turning of the tables. And Norrell agreed with me, so I figured I was onto something. Besides, on a goofy and practical level, I could not for the life of me get them lube realistically. Near wouldn't HAVE any, and Mello wouldn’t have BROUGHT any. I thought about going without; Near would obviously be on top, which might have made it easier given that Mello's the one who's done it before... But then I thought that even given Mello's weird amped-up achy mood in the last scene, he probably still wouldn't have allowed it. So I ended up glad I left it like this.
I tried to make the ending seem hopeful, even though we know this is the last time they'll see each other. I wanted to give a little hint that if they had both made it, Mello was willing to try to see if there could be anything real between them. (I think Near was willing to try all along.)
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Date: 2008-05-06 09:06 pm (UTC)this was lots of fun to read, especially for me as your writing process is a lot like mine. :D
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Date: 2008-05-06 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-06 09:07 pm (UTC)Secret confession time? I read this before looking at your name, while I was working on the remix fic for you - and when I realized it was you, I had a stroke. *lol*
It was so good that I instantly started rethinking a lot of things in the remix fic. And changed quite a bit... *amused*
But, I was really glad in the end. And I'm also half relieved and half disappointed that you didn't publish this with enough time for me to try and remix it, because I almost certainly would have picked this one. *lol*
So if you don't want it remixed next year, make it your safe story!Anyway, thanks for the look at your writing style! It's interesting and fun to see how similar/different it is from mine. :)
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Date: 2008-05-06 09:44 pm (UTC):D Yikes! I'm really glad you liked it! I did notice you seemed to give a lot of little nods to my OTP in the remix. That made me really happy.
Oh, man, it would've been insanely awesome to see this remixed. But what you did was very insanely awesome too.
I am thinking of doing a DN-only remix... >:)
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Date: 2008-05-06 09:49 pm (UTC)If you do run a DN remix, I'd participate!
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Date: 2008-05-07 05:55 pm (UTC)It's funny - the first draft of that middle scene was *way* more Mello/Near-y.
If you happen to get inspired, you totally have my permission to play with How to Shoot. (And if you do, and want me to, I'd be happy to write you something in return. I might even try your OTP!)
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Date: 2008-05-07 07:20 pm (UTC)*boggles* You'd write me L and Light?!
Oh. oh oh oh. That is tempting in ways that it's hard to walk away from.
So... I shall hold off saying yes, until you decide whether you're going to do the DN remix. If you are, then I'll participate in that first. But... *whimpers* L/Light fic... *forces self to be strong*
I know that you have a hard time seeing them in a relationship - and I'd agree. I have a much easier time seeing them using sex/affection as a weapon.
Unless we're talking about amnesia!Light - when he's so conveniently cuffed to L. Then I find it a lot easier to believe other things.
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Date: 2008-05-07 08:44 pm (UTC)hjgfiuguk I'm awfully tempted myself by the idea of knowing it would be you, and that story...
But. OK. I shall ponder the remix workings and then try to find out if enough people are actually interested to make it do-able. I half-expect folks to be like "Uh, WTF?" :)
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Date: 2008-05-07 02:22 am (UTC)And aww, thanks! I'm glad I was a help. :)
And btw, I JUST realized that you got the Matt/Near fic up (*is slow*) and I'm going to go gobble it up right now, mmmkay?
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Date: 2008-05-07 02:19 pm (UTC)