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darklunaTitle: one hasn't a why or because or although
Pairing: Matt/Near
Rating: PG-13 for swearing and tame yaoi
Word count: 5000
Spoilers: Not really. Matt's real last name.
Summary: Caring about anything had never come easily to Matt, and he could unlearn it, right?
Notes: The title and cut text are from e.e. cummings's poem "if everything happens that can't be done" (so are lowercase on purpose *g*). Many thanks to my beta, the wonderful![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angryhamster. There are more notes (this is what I get for using a foreign language), and they're under the cut.
More notes: HTR13 puts Matt's social skills as low, but I tend to write him as so easy-going that he gets along with everyone. I decided to try to make him a little shy for a change. I was kind of picturing everyone a little older than they could be while still at the House, but decided not to worry about it for once. There are footnotes for the Polish. Many thanks as well to the anon commenter who gave me the correct translations!
one hasn't a why or because or although
Matt got dropped into the world of Wammy's House after the other kids had formed their little cliques. He was used to being alone—he was already a smoker, already preferred computers to most people, and was only beginning to learn to mask his shyness with indifference. Pride kept him from trying to fit in with people he figured would reject him anyway.
In some ways, the House was awesome. Matt had his own room for the first time since his mom died. Judging from the way some of the older kids acted, no one cared much what they did, as long as they got their work done. Matt could tell he'd get away with smoking in his room as long as he didn't flaunt it.
Then again, in some ways, it was really weird. There was that whole paranoid speech the manager had given him when he got there, the one about never sharing any personal details with anyone, and working hard, and all that. He hadn't said what the House's purpose was, but obviously it had one, or there wouldn't be so many strange rules, or so many super-smart kids, or so many things they could do here that they'd never get away with in a regular orphanage.
Matt wasn't great at talking to people. He'd learned to observe them instead, and he stayed keenly aware of the hierarchy he'd opted out of. He noticed pretty quickly that no one talked to Near about anything but his grades. Everyone knew he was the top student, and admired him, but not in an especially friendly way. Most of the kids seemed to follow Mello's lead, and ignored him most of the time. Linda tried to be nice to him, but was clearly frustrated that he didn't really respond.
Matt watched from a safe distance, trying to understand. Near wasn't off-putting on purpose. Couldn't Linda see that he didn't know what to make of her? Didn't she notice that he hunched up even smaller when she tried to get him to join the other kids?
He's like me, Matt thought. He's not stuck up, he's just really shy. I bet he'd like to ignore all that rankings bullshit too. They just won't let him.
Observing Near turned out to be pretty interesting. Matt started to peek at his class notes every day to see what weird things he'd done. Sometimes he filled the pages margin to margin with microscopic print. Sometimes he used a flowing cursive that was practically calligraphy. Sometimes he wrote with both hands at once, forward with one and backwards with the other.
"How do you do that?" Matt said, the first time he noticed that trick.
Near's eyes widened. Matt had never noticed how dark they were before. "It's just something I know how to do."
"It's really cool."
"Is it?" He sounded like he really didn't know, and expected Matt to.
"I think so."
***
They took a field trip to a print shop, and everyone got inky and pulpy, and went nuts stamping things and cranking the old-fashioned printing presses. Near stayed at the House, of course.
After they all got back, Matt sat in the common room, half-observing Near out of habit, waiting for a chance to talk to him, feeling weirdly nervous despite the reassuring blips and beeps of his game.
Nobody got Near.
Nobody really got Matt either, he was just a good faker. Good enough that Ophie flirted with him like he'd be some kind of status symbol to win over; good enough that Mello didn’t mind hanging out with him. Not good enough to feel like he really knew anyone.
Probably it was the idea of not faking, even for a little while, that made him nervous.
Finally everyone else wandered off, and Matt saved his game and went over to Near.
"Hey. You like fonts and stuff, right?"
Near looked up from turning some kind of robot into some other kind. "Yes."
"Well, I got this. You can have it if you want." He pulled the piece of type from his pocket and held it out. It was a medieval-style N, pretty big, and nicely chunky-feeling. "Everyone got to pick a stamp to take. I only wanted a letter, so the lady let me have two." After I went all pitiful and gave her a sob story about my sick friend who couldn't come with us.
"Thank you," Near said. He took it, and traced the swoops and lines of the letter. "Matt?"
"Hmm?"
"Why do you want to make friends with me?"
Wow, right to the point. Matt tried to match his directness. "I dunno. You're weird. I mean, you're weird in a cool way. Do you not want friends?"
"It doesn't make me sad that I don't have any."
"I didn't think it did. Look, I don't feel sorry for you. I'm not trying to make myself feel generous like some smug asshole. I just like you."
That got a small smile, gone pretty quickly. "OK."
***
There was almost a trick to speaking Near's language. He didn't bother with tact, and he had no patience for even polite lies. It was actually kind of nice. He was impossible to offend, and getting him to smile was as good as cracking anyone else up.
At some point Matt noticed that Near would touch him every once in a while when they were talking, brief touches on his arm or knee. Near never did anything without a reason, so Matt went back into observational mode.
A tug on his sleeve before, "I don't like green vegetables." A tap of his foot against Matt's boot before, "Mello hates me, but I don't hate anyone." He even took Matt's hand for a second when he let him into his room to show him the huge crazy rollercoaster thing he'd built over the whole floor. And then, like the weird little person he was, he sat on the other side of the room while they sent marbles spinning through the loops, Matt gleefully trying to crash them.
He couldn't decide if Near needed to make contact before saying anything even remotely personal, or if it was a way of making sure he paid attention. He didn't mind, either way. Not that he would ever tell Near, but sometimes he entertained the vague idea that he was socializing him. Like a really, really smart feral cat, or something.
***
"What are we for?" Matt asked Near one day in the art room.
He glanced up from the figure he was painting, with one of those unsettlingly sharp, assessing looks. "What do you mean?"
"You don't make a genius factory just to churn out geniuses. We're for something. What?" If anyone knows, and will tell me, it's you.
Near frowned, and reached for a curl to twist. "They don't tell everyone, but you are very intelligent. I'm surprised they haven't told you yet. Let's see... Who's the smartest person in the world?"
"I dunno. That lady with the high IQ?"
"Trust me, we have nothing to do with her."
"The smartest person," Matt said, thinking aloud. "Smart and important. Someone who stops wars? No, no one can do that."
Near wasn't going to help any more, was he? Nope; he was looking at paints.
"Someone who helps people," Matt said. "Who prevents crimes. No! Who solves crimes. We're here to be L? The L?"
"There's only one," Near said, smiling. "What color are your eyes?"
"Why? Oh." Near still had the paintbrush poised. Matt pushed the goggles up, blinking into the unfamiliar brightness.
Near half-stood on the chair and peered at him. "They look black, but they aren't." He sat down again and chose a jar of dark blue paint. "L has become more than just a detective. His very existence helps deter criminals."
"Now that there is an L, there always has to be one?"
Near nodded. "It may be the most important job in the world."
Matt fitted the goggles back into place and thought about sitting down himself; his head spun. L. What would it mean to be him? Insane amounts of hard work. Saving the world.
Being a real-life superhero seemed like it wouldn't actually be that much fun. He looked at Near, who had cleaned the blue off the brush and started painting black stripes on the figure's shirt. So he'd be first in line, and Mello— That explained a lot. If anyone would want to be a superhero, and feel like he really could, it'd be Mello.
"Is that what you want?" he asked, before he could think that it was an awfully personal question.
"Of course. I only hope I can live up to the real L someday."
***
Matt was almost too nervous to ask a question at all when they let the dozen or so top kids talk to L.
Mello didn't ask anything. He slouched against the wall and eyed everyone else. Near barely looked at anything but his puzzle and Rubik's cube.
Other kids asked questions about famous cases, or about what L's life was like. He talked about the cases enthusiastically, or, at least, he sounded that way through the distorter. He sidestepped the personal questions so well that the kids who'd asked them seemed to think they'd gotten answers.
Finally, the discussion started to wind down, and Matt still hadn't said anything.
"Any more questions?" L said.
"Is it worth it?" Matt blurted out.
In the silence that followed, he realized Near had stopped twisting his toy around, and Mello had stopped eating.
"Matt, right?" the scrambled voice finally said.
"Yeah."
"This is what I do, Matt. I won't say it's not difficult, or that it doesn't require sacrifices. It will..." There was a pause that might have been a sigh. "It will never be a normal life. But I can't do anything other than this. Is it fulfilling? Of course. Would it be the same for someone else? I can't say."
Then Mello crunched his chocolate, and Near started clicking puzzle pieces again, and Matt was left trying to decide if he'd gotten an answer himself.
***
Mello would find him when he was bored, or when he needed someone to crack a system or something. (Chaotic neutral rogue, Matt thought, those times, and kinda liked the idea.) Mello was easy to admire, but difficult to like. He was one of those exhaustingly intense, force-of-nature people Matt had only ever encountered in books.
The afternoon after winter exams, Mello stopped by to play a game. He'd been working so hard lately that Matt hadn't seen much of him. He was distracted, and didn't even curse the second time Matt beat him.
"You're working on a case, aren’t you?" Matt asked.
"Gotta get practical experience. It wouldn't hurt you to do the same."
"I'll never have a chance to use it. It's gonna be you or Near."
Mello's eyes narrowed. "How come you hang out with that freak, anyway?"
"Is there a rule that says I can't be friends with you both?"
Mello made a disgusted noise. "I thought you were on my side."
"I thought we were all on the same side."
"That's... How... You can’t be the best without beating everyone else. You just fucking can't." He tossed the controller aside. "Don't you get it?"
"No." It doesn't have to be so hard.
Mello got up and stalked out. "Then maybe you shouldn't be here," he called back.
Matt went over and slammed the door. "Go to hell," he told it.
Crap.
He climbed onto the window sill and lit a cigarette. He knew Mello had been here a long time, but that didn't give him the right to judge anyone. Or to try to control him, or tell him who he could be friends with. Mello couldn't see anything but the system.
No, Jeevas, you fuckwit, he can't. They've made his whole life about competing with Near.
He sighed out the smoke and watched it drift out the window. He wanted Mello to like him, even if (or maybe, perversely, because) he was difficult. He wanted Mello, full stop. It was impossible not to. He was so magnetic and gorgeous and vivid that everyone else (almost everyone else) faded into the background.
Matt was dumb compared to Near, but he never felt dumb around him. Mello made people feel dumb and boring by existing. It wasn't like he tried to, it was just the way he was. Matt and Near were the only ones even close to his level, and Mello was constitutionally incapable of being nice to Near.
Oh. He's not trying to control me. He thinks he's come in second all over again.
If Mello couldn't see it any way but that, there wasn't much Matt could do.
***
He stopped by Near's room the Friday winter break started, sticking to their routine. Today the L figure was standing on the very top of the Lego Wammy's House. The Mello doll was on the next level down, tilted so it seemed to be looking up. Matt looked for the figures of himself and Near, and found them sitting in the Lego version of the big tree.
"Hey, what are we doing?" Matt asked, nodding toward them.
"Planning a treehouse," Near said smoothly, but he went over and took them down, and set them on the roof, on the same level as Mello, but a little way away. "I have a new catapult we can build."
"Cool," Matt said, but he was wondering what Near hadn't told him. He was good at being evasive, but not that good. He didn't have a lot of practice. He looked over at the other figures, but found he didn't really want to think about Mello now. "Is that your guess about what L looks like in real life?"
"He doesn’t really look like that. I made him stylized on purpose."
"You've met him?"
"He used to visit the House. He used an alias, but it was simple enough to figure out who he really was." He glanced over at the figure. "We talk online sometimes, but it's not the same. I try not to bother him unless it's important."
"I'm sorry," Matt said. He wasn't quite sure what he was sorry about, but Near sounded sad.
"We had to let him go." Near sighed, then picked up the catapult kit. "All right. We need a dozen rubber bands." He gave the instruction sheet a considering look. "Maybe more."
As he usually did when they built anything, Near made refinements to the construction as they went along, reinforcing and streamlining.
"That's awesome," Matt said when it was done. "I bet it could throw one of those figures."
"I don't want to throw anyone," Near said.
"Come on. We can use me."
"I definitely don't want to throw you." He thought it over for a moment. "Let's try with me."
Matt handed him the figure. You definitely don't want to throw me?
Huh. Did Near like him? Matt hadn't thought he liked anybody.
He was bent over the catapult, adjusting the counterweight. Matt could see two twirled-up curls sticking out like goofy horns, and the solemn set of his mouth, and the tip of his upturned nose...which it might not be a bad idea to kiss, some time.
He'd never cared much about calling himself gay or straight or whatever. Those were just lines people drew to divide everyone else up. People were people, most stupid, some interesting. There were few enough interesting ones that Matt thought it wasn't too important which bits they had.
Near was definitely interesting.
Damn it.
"Ready?" Near said.
"Go for it."
For someone who hadn't wanted to fling little versions of people around, Near seemed pretty amused when the catapult sent the figure over the House.
"Dude, you got great distance."
"Yes, but the head trauma would have killed me." He retrieved the doll, turned it upside down, and closed his eyes and put out his tongue.
Matt laughed. "You are so weird."
***
Mello still wasn't speaking to him, but someone slipped a bar of chocolate under his door. Valhrona, too: definitely a peace offering.
Matt bundled up and went outside, half-thinking that if there was a game going on, he might get a chance to tell Mello he understood. The only people out here were Sascha and Quentin, and they were so busy using a snowball fight as an excuse to make out, they wouldn’t have noticed if a plane had landed on the lawn.
"Matt! Matt!" Linda shouted from the front door. "Come quick, Near got hurt."
"What?" He barely remembered to stomp out his cigarette, and hurried up the stairs. "How?"
"I don't know. He won't say anything."
Near was sitting on the second-floor landing, Ophie hovering over him, pressing her handkerchief to his nose. He wasn't looking at her; he was staring at the bloody cuff of his shirt.
"I got it," Matt said, taking over for Ophie.
"It's OK, Near," Ophie said as she stepped aside. She looked almost as worried as Matt felt.
But Near kept staring, paler than ever.
"Hey, you OK?" Matt said. It's the blood, he realized. He knelt awkwardly and unbuttoned the long-sleeved shirt one-handed. Near didn't help at all, and he was really starting to freak Matt out. "Near, kotku, już dobrze."1 He wouldn't like being in just the t-shirt, but it had to be better than this. Matt tugged the dirty shirt free and shoved it toward Ophie.
"What?" she said, looking confused.
"Just get rid of it," Matt said. "Near?"
He blinked, and looked up. "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? God, you're so silly."
"I wasn't looking where I was going. My leg especially hurts today. I think I'm about to have a growth spurt."
The babbling was almost as scary as the shock. Near never babbled. Matt lifted the handkerchief. The bleeding seemed to have stopped. "Who did this?"
"I wasn't looking where I was going," Near said again.
"You're not clumsy. I know someone..." He wasn't going to tell; he never would've repeated himself if he hadn't decided to be stubborn. "OK. Come on, you'd better see the nurse."
He took Near to the infirmary, and the nurse wouldn't let him stay, so he went to find Mello. He didn't have to look too far; he was using the two fastest computers in the lab.
"Someone gave Near a bloody nose."
"It wasn't me!" Mello said immediately.
"I know."
"'Cause I wouldn't do that."
"I know, M." And he did. Mello would never back down from a fight, but he had a weird unspoken code when it came to Near, and never actually hurt him. Matt suspected he wanted to beat Near on his own playing field, and wouldn't be satisfied with less. "I thought you might know who did."
Mello thought it over for a moment. "Probably Pieter. I know he bullies Royce a lot."
"Royce probably starts it."
"Yeah, no shit."
Royce was only nine, but nasty. Matt thought he was one of the few kids who still had parents, out there, but they'd clearly done a number on him. "Near wouldn’t start anything."
"Fuckin' straight. He might have been in the way, though."
"Maybe. He won't say."
"No. He wouldn’t." Mello rolled his eyes, but there was grudging respect in his voice.
***
Matt paced. He paced inside for a while, then went out to the football pitch so he could at least smoke too. The cold didn't bother him now. It actually kind of helped. He hadn't seen Pieter, and Near was still in the infirmary. Maybe it was good that he didn't know for sure who'd put him there. Whoever had done it couldn't have known how Near would react, but still, Matt had been ready to strangle someone.
Yeah, 'cause I want my ass kicked.
He could let it go. Caring about anything had never come easily, and he could unlearn it, right? He could stop feeling like a total dickface for trying to see signals Near wouldn't even know how to send out if he wanted to. And wasn't there some kind of code about letting people fight their own battles?
And hey, Near wouldn't go after anyone physically, but he could sure as hell make whoever it was wish he'd never been brought here.
And then it would escalate. And someone might really get hurt; Near might really get hurt, and fuck it, Matt couldn't let it go at all.
He lit another cigarette and saw a black-clad shape come out of the House at a run toward the woods, then wheel around and pelt toward him.
"It was Pieter," Mello said as soon as he was within earshot. He was barely out of breath. "He's in the gym."
Matt nodded. He didn't feel like he was in control of his body as he headed that way. I really don't want to get beat up, said the part of his mind that was still sane.
Shut up. This is important.
He banged the door open, and the kids playing basketball stopped. The ball bounced away with deafening thunks, and rolled up against the wall.
Pieter, Tal, and Kit. This might be OK. The other two weren't bad kids.
"Hey. P. You think it's cool to beat up kids smaller than you?"
Pieter sneered, and suddenly he was every foster-home or playground bully who'd ever tried to start something with Matt.
He hoped against hope that the goggles were doing their job and no one could see that half of him was thinking, Jeevas, you fucking dumbass. "You wanna mess with someone, mess with me. You got thirty pounds on me, but fuck, I'll call it a fair fight if you will."
"It's not my fault your little boyfriend can't watch himself."
"Is that the best you can do?" He wasn't scared anymore. Anger filled him up; he thought it might blow the top of his head off. "That's pathetic." He took a step forward.
Pieter took a step back.
"Leave Royce and Near alone," Matt said.
"Fuck you," Pieter said, but he'd already lost, and everyone knew it.
"I mean it," Matt said.
"God, fine, get the fuck over it." He stomped away, and Matt tried not to sag with relief.
"Idiot," Mello said quietly. Matt hadn't noticed that he'd followed him.
"Yeah, I know."
"If you hadn't done that, I would have."
Matt looked over. Mello would never explain that one even if he asked. Chaotic good paladin. Even if there's no such thing. "Thanks. For the chocolate, I mean."
"Yeah," Mello said, not quite smiling, but clearly tempted to. "Don't mention it."
***
Matt went back to his room, and as he'd kind of expected, Near peeked in the half-open door not long after.
"Hey. You OK now?"
"Yes." He came over and sat on the floor, leaning against Matt's shoulder. Wow, this must be really important.
"You didn't have to do that," Near said.
Is there anything that happens in this place that he doesn't know about? "Yeah, I really did."
"I see," Near said. His voice, always scratchy, was so soft that Matt thought he might have understood everything. "What language were you speaking, on the stairs?"
"Polish. Man, I haven't spoken it since I was five." He hadn't even realized he still knew it until it came out.
"But you're American."
Matt shot him a look; he'd never mentioned that. "My grandmother was Polish."
"Oh," Near said. "Kotku. Does that mean 'cat'?"
"Kitten," Matt muttered, knowing he was turning red. He hurried to explain. "But that's the literal translation. It's really like a nickname. For, like, family. Or—" (your boyfriend) "—whatever."
Wait. How was that less embarrassing?
"I never saw you scared before," he added. "I didn't like it very much."
"It wasn't fun for me, either."
It was getting kind of hard to concentrate; he could smell Near's shampoo and feel his soft breath on his neck. It's just his way of saying he trusts me. It doesn't mean anything. He leaned closer, silently reassuring him ahead of time. "It was seeing the blood, wasn't it? What happened?"
Near looked down. "A car accident when I was four. My parents were killed. They said it was a miracle I lived. The last—" He stopped.
Matt could tell maintaining that even tone was becoming impossible. He put one arm around Near in an awkward half-hug. "Hey, it's OK. You don’t have to."
"That's almost all of it," Near said, muffled now. "My leg was broken in three places, and my pants were all bloody. That was the last thing I saw before I passed out."
Matt rested his cheek against Near's hair and tried not to think about how soft it was. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't've made you tell me."
"You didn't make me." He moved away, but left his fingertips barely resting against Matt's knee. "Nobody knows that."
Matt nodded. He would've been shocked if anyone had. He started to slip his hand closer to Near's, half-thinking that if there was ever a time to do it, it'd be now. But Near went very still.
"I'm going to be L someday." His voice was flat again. "I want to be L. I hope it won't be for a long time. But I—"
The flatness sounded forced. He was looking down again. Matt could only see the tangled white curls hiding his face.
"L's alone," Near whispered. "L can't fall in love."
He did understand everything. And he's warning me off. "I get it." Matt wasn't as good at hiding his feelings, but he mostly kept the hurt out of his voice. He didn't say It's OK. He wished he could convince Near it was, but he couldn't even convince himself. "Can L have friends?"
"I hope so."
***
Matt spent the next morning chain-smoking and playing Tetris; he could do both on autopilot. He would try to make himself find it funny, because how could you break up with someone before you even dated them? Then he'd be mad, because, damn it, a pre-emptive breakup wasn't fair. And then he'd feel like a jerk, because that had to be the most Near had ever admitted to anyone, even as obliquely as he had, and he was only trying to protect both of them.
He kept circling back to the questions with no answers. How could he fight for the one person who made him feel like he had to be real, when that person thought the fight was already lost? And how could he even be mad about it, when Near was obviously being as ruthless to himself as he was to Matt?
Mostly he tried not to set anything on fire, and wished he'd at least gotten to kiss him.
***
It was getting dark when someone knocked on his door.
"Near?" Matt said when he opened it. He hadn't even known he owned boots and a heavy coat. "What's going on?"
"Would you like to come outside with me?"
"Really?"
He looked down. "I like the snow."
It's snowing? He looked over at the window. It was coming down pretty hard. I don't know if I can do this.
Near waited, twisting the fringe on his scarf.
Damn it. I'd rather be friends with you than nothing.
"Let me get my coat."
It was cold, but the soft, almost gentle cold of air heavy with dampness. Near walked far enough from the house to stand in the falling snow, and Matt went to join him, kicking up drifts that sparkled as they floated back down.
Near's wool coat was starred with snowflakes, and so were his improbably dark, thick eyelashes. He blinked, and... laughed?
No, surely not.
"Matt, jesteś dobrym przyjacielem."2
I'm a good friend? "Hey, when did you learn that?"
"This morning."
"You're kinda sneaky, aren't you?"
"Maybe. Przepraszam."3
"What're you sorry for?"
Near tugged at Matt's coat sleeve to pull him a step closer. "I made a mistake."
"What mistake?"
"I didn't know what to do when I figured out how you felt."
"Oh."
"I thought about it all last night. It seemed practical, but it felt bad. That's never happened before." He toyed with the fabric of Matt's coat, restlessly, and Matt, trying to ignore the crazy hope warming him all through, took his hand. "So I talked to L. Maybe I shouldn't have, but he did say I could if I needed anything. And it was important."
"What did he say?"
"He said he let someone go, and he shouldn't have. He didn't need to say any more. Mateuszek, lubię cię bardzo."4
"You know Matt isn't actually short for anything, right?" He grinned, helplessly, goofily. "I like you very much, too."
Near blinked more melting snow out of his eyes, and there it was again, a hiccupy little huff of laughter.
"Oh," Matt said. "You are too—"
He lost whatever he was going to say next—much? weird? beautiful?—because Near took that last step closer, put his hand on Matt's shoulder, and went up on tiptoe to kiss him. He seemed hesitant; it was just pressure, and cold.
Matt edged away and dropped a kiss on Near's nose, like he'd first wanted to. Oh, I don't want to scare you. But Near slipped a hand into his hair, playing with it as if it were his own, and tugged him down for another kiss, mouth opening beneath his, warm and gentle, and wow. How did he know how to do that?
He meant for this to happen. No way would he have been unprepared. That's why he was all... giggly.
"God, I'm glad you changed your mind."
"L also said that sometimes the most important things are the ones that defy reason."
"He's not wrong." He smiled down, and Near smiled back, weird and lovely and real. "Next time I talk to him, remind me to thank him."
1. Kotku = Literally, "kitten." Colloquially, "sweetie" or "honey." Już dobrze = It's all right. (Go back)
2. Jesteś dobrym przyjacielem = You're a good friend. (Go back)
3. Przepraszam = I'm sorry. (Go back)
4. Mateuszek = the diminutive/affectionate form of Matthew. Lubię cię bardzo = I like you very much. (Go back)
Pairing: Matt/Near
Rating: PG-13 for swearing and tame yaoi
Word count: 5000
Spoilers: Not really. Matt's real last name.
Summary: Caring about anything had never come easily to Matt, and he could unlearn it, right?
Notes: The title and cut text are from e.e. cummings's poem "if everything happens that can't be done" (so are lowercase on purpose *g*). Many thanks to my beta, the wonderful
angryhamster. There are more notes (this is what I get for using a foreign language), and they're under the cut.More notes: HTR13 puts Matt's social skills as low, but I tend to write him as so easy-going that he gets along with everyone. I decided to try to make him a little shy for a change. I was kind of picturing everyone a little older than they could be while still at the House, but decided not to worry about it for once. There are footnotes for the Polish. Many thanks as well to the anon commenter who gave me the correct translations!
one hasn't a why or because or although
Matt got dropped into the world of Wammy's House after the other kids had formed their little cliques. He was used to being alone—he was already a smoker, already preferred computers to most people, and was only beginning to learn to mask his shyness with indifference. Pride kept him from trying to fit in with people he figured would reject him anyway.
In some ways, the House was awesome. Matt had his own room for the first time since his mom died. Judging from the way some of the older kids acted, no one cared much what they did, as long as they got their work done. Matt could tell he'd get away with smoking in his room as long as he didn't flaunt it.
Then again, in some ways, it was really weird. There was that whole paranoid speech the manager had given him when he got there, the one about never sharing any personal details with anyone, and working hard, and all that. He hadn't said what the House's purpose was, but obviously it had one, or there wouldn't be so many strange rules, or so many super-smart kids, or so many things they could do here that they'd never get away with in a regular orphanage.
Matt wasn't great at talking to people. He'd learned to observe them instead, and he stayed keenly aware of the hierarchy he'd opted out of. He noticed pretty quickly that no one talked to Near about anything but his grades. Everyone knew he was the top student, and admired him, but not in an especially friendly way. Most of the kids seemed to follow Mello's lead, and ignored him most of the time. Linda tried to be nice to him, but was clearly frustrated that he didn't really respond.
Matt watched from a safe distance, trying to understand. Near wasn't off-putting on purpose. Couldn't Linda see that he didn't know what to make of her? Didn't she notice that he hunched up even smaller when she tried to get him to join the other kids?
He's like me, Matt thought. He's not stuck up, he's just really shy. I bet he'd like to ignore all that rankings bullshit too. They just won't let him.
Observing Near turned out to be pretty interesting. Matt started to peek at his class notes every day to see what weird things he'd done. Sometimes he filled the pages margin to margin with microscopic print. Sometimes he used a flowing cursive that was practically calligraphy. Sometimes he wrote with both hands at once, forward with one and backwards with the other.
"How do you do that?" Matt said, the first time he noticed that trick.
Near's eyes widened. Matt had never noticed how dark they were before. "It's just something I know how to do."
"It's really cool."
"Is it?" He sounded like he really didn't know, and expected Matt to.
"I think so."
***
They took a field trip to a print shop, and everyone got inky and pulpy, and went nuts stamping things and cranking the old-fashioned printing presses. Near stayed at the House, of course.
After they all got back, Matt sat in the common room, half-observing Near out of habit, waiting for a chance to talk to him, feeling weirdly nervous despite the reassuring blips and beeps of his game.
Nobody got Near.
Nobody really got Matt either, he was just a good faker. Good enough that Ophie flirted with him like he'd be some kind of status symbol to win over; good enough that Mello didn’t mind hanging out with him. Not good enough to feel like he really knew anyone.
Probably it was the idea of not faking, even for a little while, that made him nervous.
Finally everyone else wandered off, and Matt saved his game and went over to Near.
"Hey. You like fonts and stuff, right?"
Near looked up from turning some kind of robot into some other kind. "Yes."
"Well, I got this. You can have it if you want." He pulled the piece of type from his pocket and held it out. It was a medieval-style N, pretty big, and nicely chunky-feeling. "Everyone got to pick a stamp to take. I only wanted a letter, so the lady let me have two." After I went all pitiful and gave her a sob story about my sick friend who couldn't come with us.
"Thank you," Near said. He took it, and traced the swoops and lines of the letter. "Matt?"
"Hmm?"
"Why do you want to make friends with me?"
Wow, right to the point. Matt tried to match his directness. "I dunno. You're weird. I mean, you're weird in a cool way. Do you not want friends?"
"It doesn't make me sad that I don't have any."
"I didn't think it did. Look, I don't feel sorry for you. I'm not trying to make myself feel generous like some smug asshole. I just like you."
That got a small smile, gone pretty quickly. "OK."
***
There was almost a trick to speaking Near's language. He didn't bother with tact, and he had no patience for even polite lies. It was actually kind of nice. He was impossible to offend, and getting him to smile was as good as cracking anyone else up.
At some point Matt noticed that Near would touch him every once in a while when they were talking, brief touches on his arm or knee. Near never did anything without a reason, so Matt went back into observational mode.
A tug on his sleeve before, "I don't like green vegetables." A tap of his foot against Matt's boot before, "Mello hates me, but I don't hate anyone." He even took Matt's hand for a second when he let him into his room to show him the huge crazy rollercoaster thing he'd built over the whole floor. And then, like the weird little person he was, he sat on the other side of the room while they sent marbles spinning through the loops, Matt gleefully trying to crash them.
He couldn't decide if Near needed to make contact before saying anything even remotely personal, or if it was a way of making sure he paid attention. He didn't mind, either way. Not that he would ever tell Near, but sometimes he entertained the vague idea that he was socializing him. Like a really, really smart feral cat, or something.
***
"What are we for?" Matt asked Near one day in the art room.
He glanced up from the figure he was painting, with one of those unsettlingly sharp, assessing looks. "What do you mean?"
"You don't make a genius factory just to churn out geniuses. We're for something. What?" If anyone knows, and will tell me, it's you.
Near frowned, and reached for a curl to twist. "They don't tell everyone, but you are very intelligent. I'm surprised they haven't told you yet. Let's see... Who's the smartest person in the world?"
"I dunno. That lady with the high IQ?"
"Trust me, we have nothing to do with her."
"The smartest person," Matt said, thinking aloud. "Smart and important. Someone who stops wars? No, no one can do that."
Near wasn't going to help any more, was he? Nope; he was looking at paints.
"Someone who helps people," Matt said. "Who prevents crimes. No! Who solves crimes. We're here to be L? The L?"
"There's only one," Near said, smiling. "What color are your eyes?"
"Why? Oh." Near still had the paintbrush poised. Matt pushed the goggles up, blinking into the unfamiliar brightness.
Near half-stood on the chair and peered at him. "They look black, but they aren't." He sat down again and chose a jar of dark blue paint. "L has become more than just a detective. His very existence helps deter criminals."
"Now that there is an L, there always has to be one?"
Near nodded. "It may be the most important job in the world."
Matt fitted the goggles back into place and thought about sitting down himself; his head spun. L. What would it mean to be him? Insane amounts of hard work. Saving the world.
Being a real-life superhero seemed like it wouldn't actually be that much fun. He looked at Near, who had cleaned the blue off the brush and started painting black stripes on the figure's shirt. So he'd be first in line, and Mello— That explained a lot. If anyone would want to be a superhero, and feel like he really could, it'd be Mello.
"Is that what you want?" he asked, before he could think that it was an awfully personal question.
"Of course. I only hope I can live up to the real L someday."
***
Matt was almost too nervous to ask a question at all when they let the dozen or so top kids talk to L.
Mello didn't ask anything. He slouched against the wall and eyed everyone else. Near barely looked at anything but his puzzle and Rubik's cube.
Other kids asked questions about famous cases, or about what L's life was like. He talked about the cases enthusiastically, or, at least, he sounded that way through the distorter. He sidestepped the personal questions so well that the kids who'd asked them seemed to think they'd gotten answers.
Finally, the discussion started to wind down, and Matt still hadn't said anything.
"Any more questions?" L said.
"Is it worth it?" Matt blurted out.
In the silence that followed, he realized Near had stopped twisting his toy around, and Mello had stopped eating.
"Matt, right?" the scrambled voice finally said.
"Yeah."
"This is what I do, Matt. I won't say it's not difficult, or that it doesn't require sacrifices. It will..." There was a pause that might have been a sigh. "It will never be a normal life. But I can't do anything other than this. Is it fulfilling? Of course. Would it be the same for someone else? I can't say."
Then Mello crunched his chocolate, and Near started clicking puzzle pieces again, and Matt was left trying to decide if he'd gotten an answer himself.
***
Mello would find him when he was bored, or when he needed someone to crack a system or something. (Chaotic neutral rogue, Matt thought, those times, and kinda liked the idea.) Mello was easy to admire, but difficult to like. He was one of those exhaustingly intense, force-of-nature people Matt had only ever encountered in books.
The afternoon after winter exams, Mello stopped by to play a game. He'd been working so hard lately that Matt hadn't seen much of him. He was distracted, and didn't even curse the second time Matt beat him.
"You're working on a case, aren’t you?" Matt asked.
"Gotta get practical experience. It wouldn't hurt you to do the same."
"I'll never have a chance to use it. It's gonna be you or Near."
Mello's eyes narrowed. "How come you hang out with that freak, anyway?"
"Is there a rule that says I can't be friends with you both?"
Mello made a disgusted noise. "I thought you were on my side."
"I thought we were all on the same side."
"That's... How... You can’t be the best without beating everyone else. You just fucking can't." He tossed the controller aside. "Don't you get it?"
"No." It doesn't have to be so hard.
Mello got up and stalked out. "Then maybe you shouldn't be here," he called back.
Matt went over and slammed the door. "Go to hell," he told it.
Crap.
He climbed onto the window sill and lit a cigarette. He knew Mello had been here a long time, but that didn't give him the right to judge anyone. Or to try to control him, or tell him who he could be friends with. Mello couldn't see anything but the system.
No, Jeevas, you fuckwit, he can't. They've made his whole life about competing with Near.
He sighed out the smoke and watched it drift out the window. He wanted Mello to like him, even if (or maybe, perversely, because) he was difficult. He wanted Mello, full stop. It was impossible not to. He was so magnetic and gorgeous and vivid that everyone else (almost everyone else) faded into the background.
Matt was dumb compared to Near, but he never felt dumb around him. Mello made people feel dumb and boring by existing. It wasn't like he tried to, it was just the way he was. Matt and Near were the only ones even close to his level, and Mello was constitutionally incapable of being nice to Near.
Oh. He's not trying to control me. He thinks he's come in second all over again.
If Mello couldn't see it any way but that, there wasn't much Matt could do.
***
He stopped by Near's room the Friday winter break started, sticking to their routine. Today the L figure was standing on the very top of the Lego Wammy's House. The Mello doll was on the next level down, tilted so it seemed to be looking up. Matt looked for the figures of himself and Near, and found them sitting in the Lego version of the big tree.
"Hey, what are we doing?" Matt asked, nodding toward them.
"Planning a treehouse," Near said smoothly, but he went over and took them down, and set them on the roof, on the same level as Mello, but a little way away. "I have a new catapult we can build."
"Cool," Matt said, but he was wondering what Near hadn't told him. He was good at being evasive, but not that good. He didn't have a lot of practice. He looked over at the other figures, but found he didn't really want to think about Mello now. "Is that your guess about what L looks like in real life?"
"He doesn’t really look like that. I made him stylized on purpose."
"You've met him?"
"He used to visit the House. He used an alias, but it was simple enough to figure out who he really was." He glanced over at the figure. "We talk online sometimes, but it's not the same. I try not to bother him unless it's important."
"I'm sorry," Matt said. He wasn't quite sure what he was sorry about, but Near sounded sad.
"We had to let him go." Near sighed, then picked up the catapult kit. "All right. We need a dozen rubber bands." He gave the instruction sheet a considering look. "Maybe more."
As he usually did when they built anything, Near made refinements to the construction as they went along, reinforcing and streamlining.
"That's awesome," Matt said when it was done. "I bet it could throw one of those figures."
"I don't want to throw anyone," Near said.
"Come on. We can use me."
"I definitely don't want to throw you." He thought it over for a moment. "Let's try with me."
Matt handed him the figure. You definitely don't want to throw me?
Huh. Did Near like him? Matt hadn't thought he liked anybody.
He was bent over the catapult, adjusting the counterweight. Matt could see two twirled-up curls sticking out like goofy horns, and the solemn set of his mouth, and the tip of his upturned nose...which it might not be a bad idea to kiss, some time.
He'd never cared much about calling himself gay or straight or whatever. Those were just lines people drew to divide everyone else up. People were people, most stupid, some interesting. There were few enough interesting ones that Matt thought it wasn't too important which bits they had.
Near was definitely interesting.
Damn it.
"Ready?" Near said.
"Go for it."
For someone who hadn't wanted to fling little versions of people around, Near seemed pretty amused when the catapult sent the figure over the House.
"Dude, you got great distance."
"Yes, but the head trauma would have killed me." He retrieved the doll, turned it upside down, and closed his eyes and put out his tongue.
Matt laughed. "You are so weird."
***
Mello still wasn't speaking to him, but someone slipped a bar of chocolate under his door. Valhrona, too: definitely a peace offering.
Matt bundled up and went outside, half-thinking that if there was a game going on, he might get a chance to tell Mello he understood. The only people out here were Sascha and Quentin, and they were so busy using a snowball fight as an excuse to make out, they wouldn’t have noticed if a plane had landed on the lawn.
"Matt! Matt!" Linda shouted from the front door. "Come quick, Near got hurt."
"What?" He barely remembered to stomp out his cigarette, and hurried up the stairs. "How?"
"I don't know. He won't say anything."
Near was sitting on the second-floor landing, Ophie hovering over him, pressing her handkerchief to his nose. He wasn't looking at her; he was staring at the bloody cuff of his shirt.
"I got it," Matt said, taking over for Ophie.
"It's OK, Near," Ophie said as she stepped aside. She looked almost as worried as Matt felt.
But Near kept staring, paler than ever.
"Hey, you OK?" Matt said. It's the blood, he realized. He knelt awkwardly and unbuttoned the long-sleeved shirt one-handed. Near didn't help at all, and he was really starting to freak Matt out. "Near, kotku, już dobrze."1 He wouldn't like being in just the t-shirt, but it had to be better than this. Matt tugged the dirty shirt free and shoved it toward Ophie.
"What?" she said, looking confused.
"Just get rid of it," Matt said. "Near?"
He blinked, and looked up. "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? God, you're so silly."
"I wasn't looking where I was going. My leg especially hurts today. I think I'm about to have a growth spurt."
The babbling was almost as scary as the shock. Near never babbled. Matt lifted the handkerchief. The bleeding seemed to have stopped. "Who did this?"
"I wasn't looking where I was going," Near said again.
"You're not clumsy. I know someone..." He wasn't going to tell; he never would've repeated himself if he hadn't decided to be stubborn. "OK. Come on, you'd better see the nurse."
He took Near to the infirmary, and the nurse wouldn't let him stay, so he went to find Mello. He didn't have to look too far; he was using the two fastest computers in the lab.
"Someone gave Near a bloody nose."
"It wasn't me!" Mello said immediately.
"I know."
"'Cause I wouldn't do that."
"I know, M." And he did. Mello would never back down from a fight, but he had a weird unspoken code when it came to Near, and never actually hurt him. Matt suspected he wanted to beat Near on his own playing field, and wouldn't be satisfied with less. "I thought you might know who did."
Mello thought it over for a moment. "Probably Pieter. I know he bullies Royce a lot."
"Royce probably starts it."
"Yeah, no shit."
Royce was only nine, but nasty. Matt thought he was one of the few kids who still had parents, out there, but they'd clearly done a number on him. "Near wouldn’t start anything."
"Fuckin' straight. He might have been in the way, though."
"Maybe. He won't say."
"No. He wouldn’t." Mello rolled his eyes, but there was grudging respect in his voice.
***
Matt paced. He paced inside for a while, then went out to the football pitch so he could at least smoke too. The cold didn't bother him now. It actually kind of helped. He hadn't seen Pieter, and Near was still in the infirmary. Maybe it was good that he didn't know for sure who'd put him there. Whoever had done it couldn't have known how Near would react, but still, Matt had been ready to strangle someone.
Yeah, 'cause I want my ass kicked.
He could let it go. Caring about anything had never come easily, and he could unlearn it, right? He could stop feeling like a total dickface for trying to see signals Near wouldn't even know how to send out if he wanted to. And wasn't there some kind of code about letting people fight their own battles?
And hey, Near wouldn't go after anyone physically, but he could sure as hell make whoever it was wish he'd never been brought here.
And then it would escalate. And someone might really get hurt; Near might really get hurt, and fuck it, Matt couldn't let it go at all.
He lit another cigarette and saw a black-clad shape come out of the House at a run toward the woods, then wheel around and pelt toward him.
"It was Pieter," Mello said as soon as he was within earshot. He was barely out of breath. "He's in the gym."
Matt nodded. He didn't feel like he was in control of his body as he headed that way. I really don't want to get beat up, said the part of his mind that was still sane.
Shut up. This is important.
He banged the door open, and the kids playing basketball stopped. The ball bounced away with deafening thunks, and rolled up against the wall.
Pieter, Tal, and Kit. This might be OK. The other two weren't bad kids.
"Hey. P. You think it's cool to beat up kids smaller than you?"
Pieter sneered, and suddenly he was every foster-home or playground bully who'd ever tried to start something with Matt.
He hoped against hope that the goggles were doing their job and no one could see that half of him was thinking, Jeevas, you fucking dumbass. "You wanna mess with someone, mess with me. You got thirty pounds on me, but fuck, I'll call it a fair fight if you will."
"It's not my fault your little boyfriend can't watch himself."
"Is that the best you can do?" He wasn't scared anymore. Anger filled him up; he thought it might blow the top of his head off. "That's pathetic." He took a step forward.
Pieter took a step back.
"Leave Royce and Near alone," Matt said.
"Fuck you," Pieter said, but he'd already lost, and everyone knew it.
"I mean it," Matt said.
"God, fine, get the fuck over it." He stomped away, and Matt tried not to sag with relief.
"Idiot," Mello said quietly. Matt hadn't noticed that he'd followed him.
"Yeah, I know."
"If you hadn't done that, I would have."
Matt looked over. Mello would never explain that one even if he asked. Chaotic good paladin. Even if there's no such thing. "Thanks. For the chocolate, I mean."
"Yeah," Mello said, not quite smiling, but clearly tempted to. "Don't mention it."
***
Matt went back to his room, and as he'd kind of expected, Near peeked in the half-open door not long after.
"Hey. You OK now?"
"Yes." He came over and sat on the floor, leaning against Matt's shoulder. Wow, this must be really important.
"You didn't have to do that," Near said.
Is there anything that happens in this place that he doesn't know about? "Yeah, I really did."
"I see," Near said. His voice, always scratchy, was so soft that Matt thought he might have understood everything. "What language were you speaking, on the stairs?"
"Polish. Man, I haven't spoken it since I was five." He hadn't even realized he still knew it until it came out.
"But you're American."
Matt shot him a look; he'd never mentioned that. "My grandmother was Polish."
"Oh," Near said. "Kotku. Does that mean 'cat'?"
"Kitten," Matt muttered, knowing he was turning red. He hurried to explain. "But that's the literal translation. It's really like a nickname. For, like, family. Or—" (your boyfriend) "—whatever."
Wait. How was that less embarrassing?
"I never saw you scared before," he added. "I didn't like it very much."
"It wasn't fun for me, either."
It was getting kind of hard to concentrate; he could smell Near's shampoo and feel his soft breath on his neck. It's just his way of saying he trusts me. It doesn't mean anything. He leaned closer, silently reassuring him ahead of time. "It was seeing the blood, wasn't it? What happened?"
Near looked down. "A car accident when I was four. My parents were killed. They said it was a miracle I lived. The last—" He stopped.
Matt could tell maintaining that even tone was becoming impossible. He put one arm around Near in an awkward half-hug. "Hey, it's OK. You don’t have to."
"That's almost all of it," Near said, muffled now. "My leg was broken in three places, and my pants were all bloody. That was the last thing I saw before I passed out."
Matt rested his cheek against Near's hair and tried not to think about how soft it was. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't've made you tell me."
"You didn't make me." He moved away, but left his fingertips barely resting against Matt's knee. "Nobody knows that."
Matt nodded. He would've been shocked if anyone had. He started to slip his hand closer to Near's, half-thinking that if there was ever a time to do it, it'd be now. But Near went very still.
"I'm going to be L someday." His voice was flat again. "I want to be L. I hope it won't be for a long time. But I—"
The flatness sounded forced. He was looking down again. Matt could only see the tangled white curls hiding his face.
"L's alone," Near whispered. "L can't fall in love."
He did understand everything. And he's warning me off. "I get it." Matt wasn't as good at hiding his feelings, but he mostly kept the hurt out of his voice. He didn't say It's OK. He wished he could convince Near it was, but he couldn't even convince himself. "Can L have friends?"
"I hope so."
***
Matt spent the next morning chain-smoking and playing Tetris; he could do both on autopilot. He would try to make himself find it funny, because how could you break up with someone before you even dated them? Then he'd be mad, because, damn it, a pre-emptive breakup wasn't fair. And then he'd feel like a jerk, because that had to be the most Near had ever admitted to anyone, even as obliquely as he had, and he was only trying to protect both of them.
He kept circling back to the questions with no answers. How could he fight for the one person who made him feel like he had to be real, when that person thought the fight was already lost? And how could he even be mad about it, when Near was obviously being as ruthless to himself as he was to Matt?
Mostly he tried not to set anything on fire, and wished he'd at least gotten to kiss him.
***
It was getting dark when someone knocked on his door.
"Near?" Matt said when he opened it. He hadn't even known he owned boots and a heavy coat. "What's going on?"
"Would you like to come outside with me?"
"Really?"
He looked down. "I like the snow."
It's snowing? He looked over at the window. It was coming down pretty hard. I don't know if I can do this.
Near waited, twisting the fringe on his scarf.
Damn it. I'd rather be friends with you than nothing.
"Let me get my coat."
It was cold, but the soft, almost gentle cold of air heavy with dampness. Near walked far enough from the house to stand in the falling snow, and Matt went to join him, kicking up drifts that sparkled as they floated back down.
Near's wool coat was starred with snowflakes, and so were his improbably dark, thick eyelashes. He blinked, and... laughed?
No, surely not.
"Matt, jesteś dobrym przyjacielem."2
I'm a good friend? "Hey, when did you learn that?"
"This morning."
"You're kinda sneaky, aren't you?"
"Maybe. Przepraszam."3
"What're you sorry for?"
Near tugged at Matt's coat sleeve to pull him a step closer. "I made a mistake."
"What mistake?"
"I didn't know what to do when I figured out how you felt."
"Oh."
"I thought about it all last night. It seemed practical, but it felt bad. That's never happened before." He toyed with the fabric of Matt's coat, restlessly, and Matt, trying to ignore the crazy hope warming him all through, took his hand. "So I talked to L. Maybe I shouldn't have, but he did say I could if I needed anything. And it was important."
"What did he say?"
"He said he let someone go, and he shouldn't have. He didn't need to say any more. Mateuszek, lubię cię bardzo."4
"You know Matt isn't actually short for anything, right?" He grinned, helplessly, goofily. "I like you very much, too."
Near blinked more melting snow out of his eyes, and there it was again, a hiccupy little huff of laughter.
"Oh," Matt said. "You are too—"
He lost whatever he was going to say next—much? weird? beautiful?—because Near took that last step closer, put his hand on Matt's shoulder, and went up on tiptoe to kiss him. He seemed hesitant; it was just pressure, and cold.
Matt edged away and dropped a kiss on Near's nose, like he'd first wanted to. Oh, I don't want to scare you. But Near slipped a hand into his hair, playing with it as if it were his own, and tugged him down for another kiss, mouth opening beneath his, warm and gentle, and wow. How did he know how to do that?
He meant for this to happen. No way would he have been unprepared. That's why he was all... giggly.
"God, I'm glad you changed your mind."
"L also said that sometimes the most important things are the ones that defy reason."
"He's not wrong." He smiled down, and Near smiled back, weird and lovely and real. "Next time I talk to him, remind me to thank him."
1. Kotku = Literally, "kitten." Colloquially, "sweetie" or "honey." Już dobrze = It's all right. (Go back)
2. Jesteś dobrym przyjacielem = You're a good friend. (Go back)
3. Przepraszam = I'm sorry. (Go back)
4. Mateuszek = the diminutive/affectionate form of Matthew. Lubię cię bardzo = I like you very much. (Go back)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-04-24 11:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 12:23 am (UTC)My thoughts on Mello exactly. :)
. He knew Mello had been here a long time, but that didn't give him the right to judge anyone. Or to try to control him, or tell him who he could be friends with.
THANK YOU. THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT THE FANDOM NEEDS TO KNOW. Yeesh.
Matt was dumb compared to Near, but he never felt dumb around him.
In the place I rp, I play Matt--and Anez in my Near. And this is what Matt loves about being around Near. He never feels stupid or like he's being judged when he's with him.
Matt looked over. Mello would never explain that one even if he asked. Chaotic good paladin. Even if there's no such thing
Although thank you for that bit. Because I think, deep down, Mello is a good guy and I like the idea of his 'code' when it comes to Near.
Also, the rest was incredibly lovely. I adore it.
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Date: 2008-04-25 01:20 am (UTC)THANK YOU. THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT THE FANDOM NEEDS TO KNOW. Yeesh.
Well, Matt is the third-smartest at a place full of incredibly smart kids. I've never seen him as blindly obeying anyone.
He never feels stupid or like he's being judged when he's with him.
Exactly. That's one thing that makes this pairing so nice to write.
Because I think, deep down, Mello is a good guy and I like the idea of his 'code' when it comes to Near.
I think that Mello has morals that are very strong, but not necessarily in line with other people's (he really seems to me like a knight, and there's a war on, so he does what he has to do, you know?), and that he's fucked up, but almost always does things for the right reasons, even if they're not the right things. Oops, I think I got my headcanon on you. :D
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Date: 2008-04-25 01:23 am (UTC)I agree with that and I think it's a really good analogy. Mello is the dark knight who does things....for the greater good, even if they're not exactly good things. I totally agree.
SO HAPPY.
Although, it made me so sad for a moment when Near said, "L can't fall in love." And I got it immediately and went, "ooohh....." But then he changed his mind! So glad for that! :D
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Date: 2008-04-25 01:48 am (UTC)Yes, I hate that too. Mello's too smart to want a spineless yes-man around, and Matt's too smart to be one.
Although, it made me so sad for a moment when Near said, "L can't fall in love."
OK, it's so, so dorky, but I got choked up a little when I wrote that. It was one of those times when I didn't know what the character was going to say until it came out, and then I was like, "Oh, Near." (And yay for getting it. ♥)
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Date: 2008-04-25 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 04:09 am (UTC)Thank you! ♥
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Date: 2008-04-25 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 07:22 am (UTC)And *aaww* he picked a fight for Near (^^)
Also Matt Polish? O_O I always give him french origins huhu (^.^) or Spanish *A*
That was really good, dear (^__^)
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Date: 2008-04-25 02:11 pm (UTC)I usually make Matt American, but I decided he could be a mix of various things this time. (I searched for foreign-language endearments, found "kotku," and already had the thing about "socializing" Near, so it was too perfect. :-D)
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Date: 2008-04-25 08:04 am (UTC)I loved the way you characterized everyone, not only Matt and Near but Mello and especially L too, though subtle! Very well done!
The polish background was an interesting twist, too! I've never seen that ... I usually have him Irish-American *lach*
I'm sure I'll come back and read this fic a couple of times again! It flows very nice, is easy to follow without being simple and has nice funny subtones under the alltoghther serious sound of it ^^ I'll definitly show this to my Near too x3
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Date: 2008-04-25 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 11:53 am (UTC)Also it was funny to see some polish there, beac
use I am polish^^ I think you are not polish, because the translation is incorrect.
Honey, it ok - Kotku, już dobrze
You're good friend - Jesteś dobrym przyjacielem.
I'm sorry - Przepraszam
Mateuszek, I like you very much - Mateuszek, lubię cię bardzo.
I just wrote it if you wanted to know.
And I like how you made Matt so human I'm thinking exacly as him. And I love how you decribed Mello. He's difficult person, but definitly so easy to admire.
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Date: 2008-04-25 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-25 06:19 pm (UTC)I'm happy you used polish, it's beautiful language, but the grammar is a bit complicated, so I think online translator may do it wrong.
Thank you once again for the story. I simply love it's cutness and how you described all the characters^^
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Date: 2008-04-26 04:36 am (UTC)Matt/Near is my guilty pleasure, and I haven't really read something like this--cute, but in character. So wonderfully in character! :D
And so sad.
Maybe it's just the pairing, but it was so very sad. In a good way, though.
Anyway, go you!
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Date: 2008-04-26 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 05:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 02:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-07 09:24 pm (UTC)I really love your stories. All the characters are IC, but you added little details that make them more human. It's adorable how you made Near all giggly in the end - I was a little bit disappointed when the manga told almost nothing of Near's personal thoughts on Mello, L and Matt. Though, that's the very reason some fans can write amazing and believable stories of him (them).
I can't write of Near and Mello. I believe they are the most difficult characters of Death Note to write, but really, I wouldn't be able to write stuff about myself either. *sigh* I would like to read more of your stories with this pairing, but I would be totally in love with you if you wrote a Mello/Near story with the Mello from this story. I agreed with the codes you had set for him, and I have always thought of him as the kind of person you can adore but not like easily - he is difficult and doesn't let people close to himself, but he isn't completely bad person. Aaw, this comment is getting too insane. And sorry if my English sucks, I am Finnish so it's not perfect.
By the way, if you hadn't yet, you should listen "Mizerable" by Gackt, it's a beautiful song which makes me always think of Mello or Near for some reason...
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Date: 2008-05-08 01:18 am (UTC)I thought it would be fun if Near were a little nervous at the end.
I like Mello a lot. Difficult characters are almost always my favorites. :-) I usually try to write him as honorable but a bit cracked. (And your English is fine!)
Thanks for the song rec. I'll definitely look it up! And thanks again for the very nice comments!
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Date: 2008-05-18 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-18 10:23 pm (UTC)