Try to separate my body from my mind

[darkluna]

It would be awfully convenient if I were the kind of girl who could work a fuckbuddy-type arrangement. The ChefBoy intermittently tries to convince me that we could do that, and occasionally I am tempted to propose such a thing to someone else. I would love to separate fun from feelings, but I don't think I can.

The first time PrettyButUseless and I slept together, it was like...phwaw. Wow. The last time, it was...relatively meh. It was in between that he acquired his nickname, you see. In between, I found a way out of the tangle of lust and hope and hopelessness my mind had spun around him.

So I am resolved not to try to talk myself into wanting someone just for the sake of getting some action. It almost never works, and when it does, it's never, ever worth it. It's like shopping. (No, bear with me!) I hate shopping about as much as I hate looking for someone to date, but I have more success with shopping. If a piece of clothing doesn't make me at least a little bit weak in the knees, I don't buy it. I can tell the difference between intellectual desire and visceral desire there; I need to learn it in relationships.

After all, if I want orgasms without emotional attachment, that's what a vibrator's for. It works every time, works faster than most guys, and never wants to negotiate the "no emotional attachment" part.

Comments

[hochopepa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but a vibrator's not interested in you, isn't fun to kiss and get hugs from, can't inspire or even interesting. Can't share. Inferior in so many ways to even a fuckbuddy. Efficient, and demands only electricity, I will grant you.

I like the shopping analogy, too, but I think because the process is so clear cut and openly negotiated. Here's the good or service - this is what the price is - do you want it or not? People are not nearly as transparent, and except for prostitution, the give and take is very well hidden and not well understood by either party. If the process were as easy, as open, and as straightforward as shopping, I bet people would do a lot more dating and have a lot more fuckbuddies and other types of buddies. Museumbuddies, rockshowbuddies, etc. It seems almost accidental to me the way it is now.

I think guys in our society seem much more comfortable with "I'm pretty sure I don't love you and I'm not going to, but I'm okay with sleeping with you and hanging out sometimes so long as I don't have to give up anything important like freedom or the option to meet other people," than girls seem to be. Although maybe that's a superficial difference, and lots of both sexes are like that.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't mean I have to LUV someone to sleep with him. God forbid. I just mean that I've figured out that listening to the part of me that says "Getting laid is fun and you should do it just because you can!" is a bad idea. Well, the first part of that is perfectly valid, but the second not so much. Part of me wants to be Whee! and casual about it and just bloody well go out and get some, but most of me realizes that wanting to do it never cancels out not wanting to have done it. If I can fight off an urge, the urge is not worth acting on, no matter how much one can't hug a vibrator.

[hochopepa.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I've never thought, "I should not have slept with her," even those rare occasions where I knew that nothing would come of it. I just end up thinking, "That was so much FUN!" And then I wonder what's immediately next, or how to break it off, or (in best case scenario) where the relationship can go. So I don't understand not wanting to have done it if you wanted to do it in the first place as long as it was, in fact, fun.

In fact I have to stop thinking about it now. Work time.

[girl-about-town.livejournal.com]

I've tried to convince myself that girls and boys can want sex in the same way. Sex is fun, regardless of who you're doing it with. But after a few rounds of trial and error (mostly error), I've decided that while some girls can do that (and more power to 'em), I cannot. And it doesn't stem from the "if I have sex with him, then he'll be my boyfriend and love me forever" mentality that some girls I know have. For me, sex is not that big a deal if it's not happening with someone that turns me on and finds me attractive (physically, mentally, what have you). I need mutual appreciation for more than just compatible body parts. And because it's SO amazing when you do have all the good stuff, why would you ever want to have such a significantly lesser experience? So, that said, I've found it much less agonizing to just wait for it than to try to persuede myself that I'm interested in someone just to "see where it goes." I'm so bad at dating and so okay with just being me, that I'd rather just stick it out alone (or with mechanical assistence), until I meet someone who knocks the socks off again.

You're doing the right thing. Because I would guess that the time and energy you spend fretting over it is worth a lot more than the one evening's mediocre tumble in the sheets.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

So, that said, I've found it much less agonizing to just wait for it than to try to persuede myself that I'm interested in someone just to "see where it goes."

That's it exactly! Thanks for the encouraging words. :)

[girl-about-town.livejournal.com]

No problem. Because if you have to talk yourself into someone, you shouldn't be with them in the first place.

Oh, and persuade. It's a tricky little word.

[darkluna.livejournal.com]

So I don't understand not wanting to have done it if you wanted to do it in the first place as long as it was, in fact, fun.

If sleeping with someone otherwise attractive would be BAD BAD VERY BAD in terms of the repercussions, I would want to do it but not want to have done it.

I had a chance to make that mistake once and, to my everlasting relief, did not make it. Oddly enough, common sense overruled lust in that case, and I'm arguing for lust's superiority over intellect in this post.

[isrephael.livejournal.com]

Indeed, dating is much less like retail sales, and much more like negotiated, outside sales. Which, of course, might explain why I enjoy it so much. Client based. Service based. Relationship based. Rewards directly reciprocal and proportional for both parties. Thrill of the close. Buyer's remorse. Buyer's remorse assuaged by follow-up relationship management.

It's all there.

[rowancat.livejournal.com]

I can rarely keep emotions separate from sex, even a casual
relationship has to have emotional and i have to *like*

the woman.

The one time i got into a relationship *just* for the sex
it wound up deteriorating within a year because i didn't really like her that much and
i was just a source of orgasms for her [g]
Fine at far as that went but then she taking me for granted, started coming over drunk and sloppy and that was it.

That said, i've always done things backward first you meet and if there is that *mutual* irresistible attraction you wind up in bed within a day or two, often right away.
(staying over and spending the next day together of course)

No dates (well once but we knew what would happen)

After you're comfortable with each other and the sex thing (will we or won't we)
isn't colouring everything then you "go out" together.

Like a date but without wondering if you're going to sleep together, you can concentrate on just having fun with each other and letting the relationship develop on its own in all areas.

(I met these women at parties, roommate ads i took out,
school, etc, any intimate setting...)

Evey time i've done this the relationship ran its own course, separate paths (grad schools, new jobs across
country, careers, new venues for artists etc)

If we wanted it to last longer we would both know so the
partings were always extremely positive with options to get back together very long term if ready to settle down :)

Communication in every possible way is very important.
So is being totally at ease with each other but always
turned on to each other in every way with no taking each other for grated and paying attention to moods (including body language and verbal cues)
Umm...this is just off the top of my head and i'm tired so... ;)

[rowancat.livejournal.com]

I hate this formatting, no wonder people post in long block paragraphs. I kept on going back and forth 'tween window and
full screen. It looks like two diff posts.
"has to have emotions" no line break before "the woman"
"backwards, comma" bleah, well i said i was tired [g]